“Indians don’t necessarily think that you need Viagra or anything of its kind to increase libido. They consider even milk or turmeric as sexual performance enhancers”- Sudhakar Krishnamurthi
So your sex life has hit an all time slump. You can’t pinpoint the exact time she lost her libido- it was a gradual fade from red hot to grey. It set in post children, or promotion, or maybe a seven-year itch. One day, with a shock, you looked at her and realized she was probably writing a mental shopping list while you were trying to get her aroused.
When you’ve been together for some time, it’s inevitable that lovemaking will at times lose its snap, crackle and pop. Yet it doesn’t have to be so. There are couples who manage to maintain their sexual sizzle over decades. Their secret? Shaking things up as often as they can. They plan, titillate, experiment and play. Most importantly, they communicate about what feels good and think of ways to make it even better.
It’s naïve to think that it won’t matter if you rarely have sex or feel bored in the bedroom. When desire wanes, one partner often starts to panic and takes it as a sign the romance is over. They may leave, or have an affair, when all they really need to do is learn to reconnect in a sexual way. There are no short cuts to this- it takes time and a conscious change in attitude.
You’re in full seduction mode, but she’s put the brakes on because she’s in the middle of cooking dinner/painting her nails/watching television. These kind of sexual preconditions create insane roadblocks to sex, which are difficult to circumvent later on. So why not go with the flow and use the setting for inspiration. If she’s cooking, make love on the kitchen table. If she’s doing paperwork in the office when you make your advance, straddle each other on her office chair.
If you are usually the chaser, have her agree to swap. Sometimes, simply by becoming the seducer, she might find that she feels overwhelming desire because she’s in control. It also gives you, the partner who normally pursues sex, an ego boost to feel attractive and wanted.
Time to titillate
Foreplay is often regarded as little more that a sexual appetizer, so you wolf it down to get to the main course. Yet the build-up to sex should be a long, slow blush that goes on and on until you can’t stand it. Having a shower is a good way to get there. So is sensual massage- but avoid the temptation to head straight to her hot spots. Begin with shoulders and neck, arms, back and calves. Linger on the finer details, such as toes, ear lobes and forehead. Vigorously knead the muscles, brush the skin with light strokes or slide your hands along the body’s curves. By the time you get around to the tummy, thighs and genitals, she will barely be able to contain the need to be touched there.
Foreplay need not be as limited as kissing and touching. It can begin at breakfast- if you talk to each other about what you intend to happen at the end of the day. That kind of anticipation can really up the ante, because you allow yourself time to fully indulge in sensual suspense.
Write down the elements of two really good sexual experiences. You might mention the setting or time of day, the intensity of orgasm or the thrill of getting caught. Once you know what feeds her desire, you can work on incorporating that into your sex life.
Meanwhile, don’t forget about the power of seductive speech. Start recounting a past sexual encounter, read each other erotic literature, explain what that lingering kiss did for you and engage in phone sex. You’ll both get your libidos roaring!
Been there, done that- does that just about sum up your sex life? That’s no excuse for giving in to the bedroom blahs. The burning desire you felt when first dating hasn’t been extinguished, you just need to find new ways to stroke the fire and rekindle the flame. You can make sex feel new and naughty, and revisit the “I’ve got to have you right here right now” impulse from your dating days.
I suggest you get dressed up then meet out somewhere, and pretend you are strangers chatting each other up. This can create a sense of titillation by completely freeing you from your usual sexual routine and persona.
Have a sensual week-end,
P.S. If you don’t kiss and cuddle except in the lead-up to sex, you can start to feel like mere roommates. Do something about it!