One of the most challenging subjects for a couple to discuss is sex. Not only do people feel embarrassed to talk about sex in general, but when you’re talking about your own sex life you might feel especially self conscious. In this situation people can very easily get offended or take things the wrong way. Emotions are running high and everyone is sensitive about this issue. This poses a big problem because communicating about sex with your partner is one of the best ways to improve your sexual relationship. Your sex life isn’t always going to be perfect and when there is an issue, you need to be able to communicate about it in a healthy way.
So, how does one learn how to talk about sex in a healthy way? I’m going to show you how. Learning how to talk about sex will help you and your partner open up and try new things and it will improve the quality of the sex you have because you will understand each other’s desires and needs even more.
1. Start slowly – If you and your partner have never really talked directly about sex it’s probably not a good idea to jump in the deep end. Instead, start by dipping your toe in the water and testing things out. A good way to start is by talking to talk more during sex. I’m not talking about dirty talk, although this kind of communication can also be a big turn on for most people. Try whispering in her ear things like “I really want to make you feel amazing, show me what you like,” “I want to know what your fantasies are,” or “Tell me what you want me to do to you.” This gives her the invitation to share what she likes in bed and it’s also really sexy. In turn, she might ask you what you want and like!
2. Just in case she doesn’t ask… – If your partner doesn’t ask what you like and want in bed, it’s important to know how to tell her in the right way. Since sex and performance can be a tricky subject, you have to choose your words wisely and make sure she doesn’t get offended. Always keep your comments positive. Try not to say “don’t do” that or “I don’t like” that. Instead try to put a positive spin on everything. Show her what you like and say “I love that,” or “wow, you’re really good at that.” Encourage her by complimenting things you like. Nothing is a bigger turn on that getting your confidence boosted and feeling like you’re really pleasing your partner. If you make her feel like she’s really rocking your world, she will be even more eager to please.
3. Next level – The next step in working toward your sexual communication is to talk about sex in bed, but not during sex. This can actually work as great foreplay as well. Check out my previous post to learn about fun sex games you can play with your partner that also get you talking to each other about sex. For this next step, try asking your partner to share a fantasy with you next time you’re lying in bed together. You don’t have to talk about actually fulfilling it, but you can just ask “what is something you have always wanted to do sexually?” This is a great way to open up the dialogue about all kinds of sexual topics.
4. The difficult talks – And then there comes the hard part. Since every relationship has its ups and downs when it comes to sex, there will be times when you need to talk about the difficult stuff, like why you aren’t having sex as much or other challenging topics. This can be really tricky, but there are a few ways to make things go easier. Don’t accuse. Instead of saying “you never want to have sex, you don’t even find me attractive anymore,” try saying, “it seems like you aren’t as interested in sex as you used to be and that makes me feel like you aren’t attracted to me anymore.” Don’t get defensive. Instead of immediately reacting to what your partner is saying, try considering it and thinking about it for a bit. Really listen to what she has to say. Difficult conversations can often get heated and then they cease to be productive because both parties stop listening.
As you can see there are many ways to talk about sex. Some of them can be fun ways to spice up your relationship and others can be ways to get through difficult moments and resolve problems. But one thing that both have in common is that they have the power to bring you closer as a couple and make you have better sex, more often! It can be difficult to start communicating about sex, but once you’ve started, like any skill, it gets easier each time you do it. Your relationship will be better for it!