It’s generally assumed that a woman’s sex drive isn’t as strong as a man’s, and that men basically want to bang anything in a skirt. It has also been suggested that women aren’t as aggressive about sex as men. But that isn’t always the case. So what do you do if the roles are reversed? Or if she loves you, but just doesn’t feel like having sex as often as you? What do you do when you and your partner simply aren’t running the race at the same pace? While there is no hard and fast rule about why your sex drives may differ, here are a few reasons to consider.
It’s a well-known fact that a man’s sexual peak is in his twenties while a woman’s is in her thirties – so depending on how old your partner is, you could be wanting very different things. From middle age, there is a natural decline in sexual desire and the frequency of sex for so many individuals. This period may also see a decreasing sex drive, but if you get adequate sleep and exercise, it can be improved.
Sexual desire is just as much a head game as a physical one. If one of you is less sexually experienced than the other, it can affect interest in sex. In addition, conditions such as anxiety, depression and attachment disorders can impact sex drive. Other physical sexual difficulties can also lead to avoiding sex. For women, getting turned on can be a complicated thing. Issues relating to power and control, or even initiation or routine can negatively affect your sex drive. A genuine connection usually means better sex. So emotional intimacy and relationship satisfaction go a long way to improve one’s sex drive.
Work vs Werk
Our work-life balance can also affect our sexual appetite. Sexual desires are heavily influenced by social, cultural, environmental and contextual factors. Traditional gender roles can heavily influence beliefs about sex. A common one is that men are entitled to sex and should aggressively initiate it, while women should be passive. This can make it difficult for women to communicate their needs equally and openly. And if either of you works long hours, this can lead to poor work-life balance. This can impact sexual intimacy and may also delay couples from seeking treatment earlier.
Let’s talk about it
Differing sex drives doesn’t have to be a huge problem in the relationship, but there’s more to solving the problem than just thinking you’ll eventually adjust. The loss of sexual intimacy is usually followed by a more general loss of intimacy. If your partner has a lower sex drive, it can be hard for her to talk about it. Women are often not able to share their concerns freely with their partner as they feel they will be misunderstood. But you also have to be aware of the fact that how frequent you have sex can and will vary. Factors like how long you’ve been together, the quality of your relationship and even your home environment can play a part. You need to communicate your concerns and desires in ways that enhance mutual understanding. Being aware of barriers that influence sexual desire, and discussing sexual preferences is a good start. It’s also important to remember that non-sexual acts of physical intimacy are just as important to maintain physical closeness between a couple.
Say what you want
Different sex drives don’t have to be the end of the world. Here’s how to talk about it.
Be respectful. Whether you’re the one who wants more sex or the one who’s being asked for it, remember it’s important to respect your partner’s wishes. That doesn’t mean giving in, but it does mean understanding that what they want is just as important as what you want.
Communicate. Talk about what your expectations are and understand what turns you and your partner on and off. It’s good to have an idea at least in theory so there’s something to discuss if anything comes up.
Don’t take it personally. Differing sexual desires are very common. Being rejected by your partner may not always be about you. Everything from sleep to stress can take its toll so it’s important to be understanding. Also remember it can be just as frustrating for your partner.
Do something different. It’s always exciting to mix things up a little to get that spark going. Book an impromptu staycation – this way, you won’t get stuck in roles you’ve inevitably fallen into.
Focus on what works. It’s also important to remember what works for the both of you. Try to reproduce and recreate those special moments – they’re bound to work again if they were that great!
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