… without getting poison ivy, heatstroke, or… arrested.
”Your clothes are making me uncomfortable. Please take them off.”
There’s nothing like a sexy outside romance. But getting down during the dog days comes with its own unique set of hazards: sun rash, dehydration, bees. The good news: There are plenty of ways to take advantage of the warm weather and perv out in seasonally specific settings. All you need is a little foresight and a dash of preparation and you can have plenty of outdoor kicks while avoiding jail, injury, and hypervigilant amusement-park attendants. Follow these pointers and positions, and as your high school crush once wrote in your yearbook, have a great summer!
UP AGAINST A TREE
What better way to commune with nature? Try The Lumberjack: Leaning against the tree and facing him, lift one leg and wrap it around his body while he holds on to the trunk for balance. Bonus: Your thighs will get as good a workout as if you’d actually finished that three-mile hike.
IN A TENT
Since you probably spent two to six hours erecting your tent and making tent-erecting jokes, avoid any position that involves too much flailing. Otherwise, you will become tangled in the tent and it will collapse on you, and you will remember that camping is horrible and the best place to have summertime sex is in a cloud-soft, ice-cream-parlorchilly hotel bed. Try the trusty, compact spoon position.
IN THE WOODS
Having sex in the woods isn’t rocket science. Deer can do it, and they’re very stupid. Probably your biggest hazards here are hikers and park rangers, who love rules and getting people who are more fun than they are in trouble. Just keep on as much clothing as possible, so you can pretend you were “only dry humping” if caught (and also to avoid ticks). And watch out for poison ivy! As the saying goes: if you see leaves of three, don’t rub your genitals on me.
Water makes you buoyant! Take advantage! Try The Dirty Mermaid: Face your guy while he stands, wrap your arms and legs around him, and go to town while he holds your legs for support. Best attempted during adult swim. One caveat: Condoms and water don’t mix. One more caveat: Water washes away your natural lubrication, so extra (nonsoluble) lube might be necessary. Maybe try a little making out, Dirty Mermaid–style, and then head to dry land for the real action.…
IN THE CAR
If you’ve seen literally any horror movie and “parking” somewhere remote still appeals to you, well congratulations on your nerves of steel. Just make sure to lay down something on the seat, because there’s nothing worse than peeling your sweaty nude buttocks off ovenhot upholstery. Don’t even think of running the AC, because your car battery will die and then the Zodiac killer will murder you.
AT A MUSIC FESTIVAL
You should really be more concerned about who you’re having sex with at a music festival. You don’t want to end up on some stranger’s Instagram with the caption “Gross hippie couple going at it.” If you must, try to incorporate one of the musicians, so you can at least do it in a climate-controlled tour bus like a human being.
ON A SAILBOAT
Set a course for orgasm! Board The Pleasure Craft: Have your first mate lie on his back, grab some rope, and tie his wrists to the life rail. Mutiny on the Bounty, baby—you’ve taken him prisoner at sea. Just remember, move with the motion of the boat to avoid seasickness and injury. (Also, maybe pop a Dramamine before going at it on deck.)
ON THE ROOF
This is a great idea if you live in a high-rise or anywhere with a flat, level top. It’s not so great if you have Spanish tile or live in a Swiss ski chalet. Roof sex may require a little advance reconnaissance, because you’ll need to make sure you’re not in a busy elicopter flight path or near a belching heat vent. Just bring up that yoga mat you never use (roof gravel = not sexy), and give those pigeons/neighbors with binoculars a show they won’t forget.
ON A PICNIC TABLE
First, be sure to check for rusty hardware, ants, and dry rot. All clear? Sit on the edge of the table with your legs on the bench, and have your guy sit on the bench between them, facing you, his head level with your thighs. Get it? It’s a picnic! And you’re so much better than PB&J.
Have a sexy week,
P.S. If you have a towel or a blanket, you can also try doing it on a beach (as long as it’s deserted!). If you fall victim to the old sand-in-the-cracks predicament, a warm bath should do the trick. Check out my program – Anal Ecstasy.