Better sex is an equation we all want to know the secret to. You’d think the x and y are almost impossible to decipher sometimes, but let me reassure you of one simple truth: they’re not. Read on to discover my secrets to really steamy grown-up sex.
Rethink scheduled sex
Let go of the myth that sex should be spur-of-the-moment – spontaneous sex isn’t necessarily better. Planning it is often associated with boredom, but change the way you think of it from ‘scheduled sex’ to a ‘tryst’. This essentially means ‘planned sexual encounter’, but sounds more exciting. Organize a tryst with your partner for later that day, or even that week, and spend the time before fantasizing about it. It also gets rid of that whole ‘are we? Aren’t we?’ feeling, and ensures sex actually happens.
Use a “secret weapon”
Lube is one of the best secret weapons for female orgasm. It helps your partner feel more sensation from touch, and a dab of lube on her clitoris makes it easier for her to have an orgasm during intercourse, by helping your body glide against hers. You can use organic coconut oil, but keep in mind oil can break down condoms, so this only works for couples using a different form of protection. For more information on using lube on all the right places on her body – check out my program, Her Secret Hot Spots, and you’ll discover her erotic map and how to make sure you check all of her hot boxes.
Address your partner’s non-sexual needs
It’s quite common for women in long-term relationships to have lower sex drives than their male partners. Think carefully about why she’s not as open to sex. Is it because she’s always too tired? Is it because it takes too long? Once you’re able to pinpoint exactly what’s blocking her, it will become easier to reach a happy medium. Open up a discussion about how you feel by reassuring your partner – make clear that your differing level of desire is not a problem that cannot be fixed. Simply say your bodies doesn’t work in the same way, and that you’d like to come up with a plan together to meet both your needs. Often women feel like they need more intimacy that doesn’t lead to sex, more attention, or more help with daily chores – non-sexual needs are equally as important to address, as the more satisfied you are with the relationship as a whole, the more satisfaction you will have in the bedroom.
Practice pillow talk
If you’re nervous talking about sex with your partner, start by recapping after you’ve had sex. Tell them what you enjoyed about what you just did. It’s low-stress, it’s already on both of your minds, and it’s a great way to get more comfortable talking about sex so you can work your way up to talking about more serious topics. I always recommend starting with positive communication; that way it won’t feel like the only time the two of you ever talk about sex is when there’s a problem.
Try the seven-day sex challenge
It might seem overwhelming, but I recommend trying this ‘sexperiment’: have sex for seven nights in a row. It’s true the more sex you have, the more you want it. You don’t have to continue this forever – according to a study by Society for Personality and Social Psychology, carried out on 30,000 adults, the ‘sweet spot’ is once a week. Another study found the perfect amount of time for sexual intercourse is seven to 13 minutes – everyone can set aside that once a week; you just have to make the time.
Stimulate with sound
Sound can be a powerful element of sex. Try blindfolding your partner, then place headphones on them and use classical music to further enhance their state of sensory deprivation: not only are they unable to see where you’re going to touch them next, but they can’t hear either, which can be exciting. Another night, play the same concerto at dinner – perhaps in company – and see how your partner responds; it’s a secret signal of what’s coming later. Then there’s silence to explore: challenging one another not to make a sound during sex can give things a new dimension. A partner recently asked if we could both keep quiet during sex. I expected to feel restricted, but it was a revelation: we made love with our faces close together, maintaining eye contact. It was so tender and connected.”
During sex a man’s arousal is often faster and stronger, which makes it harder for him to remain connected with what the woman is feeling. Try sitting opposite each other and breathing for a few minutes. In this tantric exercise the woman leads; the man follows the speed of the woman’s breathing, allowing him to ‘tune in’. Another way to explore this problem of disconnect is for the man to take the 30-day challenge where he does not ejaculate. During penetrative sex, he slows down, focusing on how the woman responds. Your partner will gain a better understanding of what creates greater levels of arousal.
Recreate the holiday mood back home
Think back to the most recent time you had great sex – what led to this? Did you have a lovely meal? Had you been laughing and joking together? We often have our best and most frequent sex when we’re on holiday; we’re free of responsibilities, more relaxed. Replicate these conditions – maybe by taking your children to a sleepover every few weeks so you can go out and relax together. You can’t sustain passion for years and years, but you can create it in new ways.
P.S. Making sure you’re both happy with the sex you’re having is paramount for a healthy sexual relationship. If you don’t know what you need to pay attention to make sure she’s satisfied with the sex you’re having as well, check out my program – Her Secret Hot Spots – and I’ll teach you all you need to know to make sure she orgasms all the time you have sex.