“The best sex education for kids is when daddy pats mommy on the fanny when he comes home from work.” – William Masters
After buying a vintage sex game, me and my partner went on a hilarious and hot adventure, putting sensual relics to the test. Then I came up with the ultimate sex game just for you!
The lights were low, Beyonce tunes were on the iPod, I was licking whipped cream off my partner’s neck. You know, just another regular night at home, playing some sexy board games. Let me be clear: I’m not really a “sensual” person. I prefer sex without the frills or dairy products. Even after many years together, my partner and I do it at least three times a week, with no need for candles, kinky food or even all that much foreplay to get me in the mood. I like to do it fast and hard and then watch Modern Family. So why do I have a stack of games like Sensuous Erotic Experiences?
Well, a few months ago, I was browsing in an op shop when I came across a game called An Enchanting Evening. On the front of the box was a photo of a table covered with a white tablecloth, a vase of roses, petits fours, two forks and a single die. When I gave it to my partner, he laughed… and then we actually played it. A sample card: “Play sweet music on your partner’s body. Pretend his body is bongos, a piano or the flute…” We laughed so hard we choked on our petits fours. And we totally did wind up having sex even though I was really tired. There are definitely worse things to spend $4 on.
One-upping me, he came home another day with Dr. Ruth’s Game of Good Sex, a trivia game that teaches basic sex ed. One card read: “My husband bought flannel pajamas for us to wear during foreplay. I’m not sure why, but we get aroused in them.” Dr. Ruth’s response: “Enjoy yourselves! Allow your fantasies to suggest more spice.” Like what? Wool slippers?
Soon we discovered eBay is full of cheesy old board games with names such as Seduction, Compatibility and Romantic Sensations. Most are cheaper than a movie, and some come with massage oil or a blindfold. Almost every game involves licking food off each other, sharing fantasies, massages, and searching for erogenous regions (spoiler: if you haven’t found them by now, you’re not looking hard enough). They’re terribly written, with awkward euphemisms (just say “blow him”, OK? I’m an adult, I don’t need to be told to “kiss him all over till you find the place where he moans with delight”).
While absurd, these games do something that not a lot else in life makes you do: spend an hour laughing and talking about sex as an activity, which, as I’ve discovered, usually ends with you actually having sex. Of course, these games don’t do you any good if you’re not already a solid, emotionally connected couple. If you can’t feel intimate, you’re not going to have good sex, no matter how many times you roll that die. 40 years ago, when most of these games were made, sexuality focused on things you did with your partner, not feeling connected. But now, thankfully, we’re smart enough to realize that sex happens in the brain. And that probably explains why the hottest thing about playing these games is how much they can make you laugh, preparing the terrain for sweet, hot, passionate romps afterwards.
The Best Sex Game Ever!
I’ve played nearly every sex game on the planet. I know what works. Enjoy!
- Prep. First, set out snacks and booze, and put on a playlist with any dirty songs you own. Think tunes such as Echo by R Kelly.
- Round #1. Get really personal – Ask each other any questions about sex you can think of, like: What three celebs do you find hot and why them? In an S&M scenario, are you the slave or the master? What is your favorite cheesy role-play scenario?
- Round #2. Do silly, playful stuff – Do these things, in this order: Lick whipped cream or chocolate syrup off each other. Describe your number one fantasy. Give each other a five-minute shoulder massage.
- Round #3. Make a sex plan – Draw three positions each (stick figures work) that you want to try.
- Grand finale. Act out your sex plan – Have sex in the six different positions you just drew.
Bonus: Fantasy time! Play each other’s celebrity crushes, or you can be the misbehaving university student and she can be the strict professor. It’s the perfect way to get you both turned on and amused at the same time. Now high-five each other and clean up (put the cream back in the fridge and burn those pics)!
Have a playful week,
P.S. Try XXXopoly as well! When your partner lands on your property she can either pay up or give you a lap dance. It’s fun!