Do you lean towards quiet and socially awkward? Do you often felt like the designated bore that women at a party are keen to ditch; their eyes flickering before announcing they’re ‘just nipping to the loo’? Fret not, I’m here to help!
After all, we could all use a few tips on how to enjoy the fine art of socializing with the opposite sex. Trying to convince a woman to hook up with you is not meant to be a chore, after all. And yet, it seems to have become one. When you’re having to make so much effort to attract a woman, if you don’t connect properly when you finally meet one up, it allows a sense of dissatisfaction, even rejection, to build. It’s what you might call the New Year’s Eve paradox: the more we plan for an event, the greater the pressure to have a good time and the bigger the inevitable let-down.
Hookup anxiety boils down to the fear of The Reveal. What makes you anxious in hookup situations is that some perceived flaw – something you dislike about your appearance, lack of social skills or some bigger part of your personality – will be obvious to any woman unless you work hard to hide it. Ironically, the less you hook up and the lonelier you feel, the more pronounced this fear may become.
So how can you fall back in love with hooking up?
The first step is not to retreat. While it’s fine to step back and take time for yourself if you’re feeling frazzled, you need to remember to step back into the game. I often see men using the fact that they’re an introvert as permission to avoid trying to meet women, but you can end up in a very lonely place. You should try not to think of hooking up as an extra pressure, but as a refuge from whatever else you’ve got going on. Think of it as a time where you can relax and be yourself, rather than thinking about what you get out of it.
For more information on how to succeed at hooking up, check out this program by my friend Sebastian Harris – Rise of the Phoenix. His method will make WOMEN approach YOU, will make the ladies be the one begging you to give you their phone numbers, not the other way around. Sounds amazing, right? It actually is! NOTE: This program was NOT created by me.
Play vulnerability tennis
The point of this exercise is to prove that you won’t be rejected, even when you volunteer the things you fear most and would normally go to great lengths to hide. It’s a kind of aversion therapy, if you like. While baring your soul to someone you met 30 seconds ago is exactly as toe-curling as it sounds, it also… works. You’ll see that rather than feeling repulsed by anything you say, any woman will want to keep talking to you to find out more. It’s certainly far more interesting than if you’d chatted about the weather or the state of the traffic. We often focus on impressing people of the opposite sex, but in always trying to come across as confident and competent, we can actually shoot ourselves in the foot. It’s fine to get tongue-tied or for a joke to fall flat sometimes; people appreciate imperfection far more than perfection. It’s much more human and likeable.
Ask open questions rather than closed ones
An open question prompts a detailed answer rather than a yes, no or one-word response. This helps ensure you don’t run out of things to say. For example, when a woman tells you where she lives, rather than asking, ‘How long have you lived there?’ (closed question), ask her, ‘What made you move there?’ (open question).
Set a challenge
Research has shown that anxious people who are given specific instructions – such as ‘get to know the person next to you as well as you can in the next five minutes’ – perform as well as people who are naturally outgoing, whereas under normal circumstances they’d flounder. Give yourself an assignment. Tell yourself you’re going to talk to three new women at a party, or that you’re going to get to know more about your new colleague at a work event. Doing this provides structure and certainty, and anxiety is often driven by uncertainty.
Think about your ‘universal’ identity rather than your ‘local’ one. When we meet new people, we tend to do the opposite: we focus on whether we know the same places, the same people or do a similar job, which all form our local identity. But if you don’t have any of these things in common, it quickly leaves you with nowhere to go in a conversation. Instead, finding ways to bring in your universal identity – that we’ve all loved, all lost, all been embarrassed, all have anxieties or problematic families – makes it easier to connect with anyone.
When you’re anxious, you often turn your attention inward and start to monitor yourself. So you’ll think, “Why did I say that?” or wonder if you should put your hands in your pockets to seem more casual. But this leaves very little bandwidth for you to listen and respond naturally in the moment. When you’re truly focused on the other person and listening very closely, your curiosity naturally kicks in and you pick up on things that you may have missed if you were busy rehearsing what you were about to say.
P.S. Hookup anxiety doesn’t have to stand in the way of you attracting the hottest women in your vicinity. If you check out my friend Sebastian Harris’ program – Rise of the Phoenix – you will learn the right way to approach gorgeous women and sleep with them each and every time. NOTE: This program was NOT created by me.