“Sex, it turns out, is exactly like money, you think of nothing else if you don’t have it and think of other things if you do.” – James Arthur Baldwin
Some heinous stuff can happen during an erotic encounter: you scream out your ex’s name, you tear a love muscle… But most damaging of all will be your own insidious thoughts. Without further ado, here are the top five worst things you can think about while in the business of making love. Read, remember and avoid at all costs. Thus you are never going to sabotage your way to Shagsville again.
- Your parents having sex. It is bound to cross your mind sooner or later, but thinking about your dad playing hide the salami with the woman who gave birth to you is just about the biggest buzz-kill that exists in the realm of human sexual experience.
- That Bridesmaids scene when Kristen Wiig impersonates a penis. You know it: she pantomimes copping a ding-a-ling to the face. If you’re in a similar situation, for example your partner is giving you oral, this little nugget could pop into your head – a problem for one cardinal reason: it’s hilarious. Laughing while a woman is caressing you tenderly is indelicate. A situation that will be even more awkward: thinking about it and laughing your heart out after you’ve already put your iBone in her docking station.
- People you’ve had sex with before. That absurdly attractive waitress or the girl you dated for a month because she looked like the fourth Olsen brother (dynamite at that time), makes for a slightly torturous experience now. If you must have a little extra synapse-related stimulation, think about Megan Fox, think about Angelina Jolie, think of your country! Just don’t think about someone you’ve actually had sex with. Ever. It’s bad juju.
- That you shouldn’t have had that last Jagerbomb. Under-the-influence romps always seem like a good idea at the time. But would you really be in this position if you’d been the designated driver? Or did you just sort of stumble into her bedroom – at which point she sort of stumbled into you? Having safe sex isn’t only about using condoms – it’s about, of I don’t know… avoiding passing out in a stranger’s house.
- Assuming that this makes you official. If you weren’t official before, a mattress mambo is unlikely to change things. In fact, think of it as any other dance – would a plain old waltz around the room make her suddenly decide you’re the one she wants? Probably not… Of course if the answer is yes, you could be dating the jury from ‘So you think you can dance?’, in which case you have a whole other set of problems to contend with.
So what’s the moral of this tale? Do your utmost to be in the moment. I promise you, that’s exactly what she’s doing. (And it’s a lot more fun than thinking about your dad doing it.)
Have a sensational week,
P.S. Such thoughts will not only ruin the mood for you, but they can also prompt un unexpected premature ejaculation number on you, and that is clearly never fun.