“Oral sex: If it doesn’t look like a demon is being exorcised from her body, you’re doing it wrong.”
At some point you’re likely to face one of these awkward moments. I hate to burst your sex-fantasy bubble, but no-one is immune to awkwardness in the bedroom. Even if you move to the Himalayas and spend years learning the ancient arts of the Kama Sutra, you will still contend with fanny farts, getting your jeans stuck around your ankles and bumping teeth – just in a more exotic location. Whether you’re in a mountainside tent or up the hall from your flat mate’s room, these sex sitches can strike anywhere.
1. She fell asleep. Down there. “One minute it was all systems go, the next she stopped making a sound and I realized she was asleep,” recalls Randy. “She’d had a fair bit to drink, but still. It was mortifying. Telling my friends about it the next day was pretty hilarious though.” And therein lies the key to not letting Mr. Snooze get you down – her parlay into the land of nod has absolutely nothing to do with you, how you’re performing, so don’t take it personally! Do, however, have a chuckle when you discuss the drama with your best friends.
2. You can’t get it up. Even if you could give Russell Brand a run for his money in the sex stakes, there will inevitably be times when Little Russ won’t cooperate. The culprit could be booze, tiredness, stress or nerves, but remember that this situation is likely to be as awkward for her as it is for you. Instead of getting freaked out, slow things down and just snuggle or kiss. If you are really having trouble, then you can always stop to talk about it.
3. She’s drier than the Sahara desert. It’s the female equivalent of not being able to get it up, and not being wet enough can make for some painful penetration. But whether it’s a result of medication, her mood or your unwillingness for foreplay, her dryness doesn’t have to signal the end of your romp fest. “I’ve always had a little trouble getting wet, so now I make sure I’ve got some lube in my bedside table,” says Danielle. “I don’t make a big deal out of it – I just put some on my fingers and touch myself a bit. No one I’ve ever been with seems to mind.”
4. It’s tough getting it on… the condom, that is. One minute you’re getting hot and heavy, the next you’re contorting your body as you try to pull a condom out of the bedside drawer while simultaneously pulling off her pants. Our body’s sexual responses to not include a pause to put on a condom, and when the pressure is on, we tend to sometimes stuff this one up. My best tip for getting away from that awkward moment is learning how to make it sexy as well. Invite your partner to use her mouth when putting it on – just advise her to be careful with her teeth!
5. Her period makes an unexpected visit. Everything is going swimmingly and then you look down and, oh! You’re on the set of a horror movie. But don’t fret. If you want to keep going, grab a towel to lie on or move your sexy times into the shower.
6. You’re fumbling like a first timer. The lead-up is all cheeky sexts full of inappropriate puns about going for a ‘ride’ after work, but as soon as you hit the bedroom you have all the swag of a college boy. Anxiety in the bedroom is problematic as sex is best enjoyed when people are relaxed. Strategies that may help include being in the moment, finding humor in the situation and talking about your anxieties. Slow, steady breathing will also help relax you, lower your blood pressure and reduce muscle tension.
7. She starts crying. Ugh, it happens to most emotionally stable women and there could be zero reasons for her waterworks, or a perfectly god one. If she feels comfortable being honest about what’s up, you might get your answer. Otherwise, “there’s something in my eye” usually gets picked as the easiest way out for the embarrassed sexy lady.
8. You attempt a kinky new move… and fail. In 2D illustrated form, that sexy new Kama Sutra move looks relatively simple. But throw in actual 3D humans, gravity and a limited range of dexterity, and suddenly The Lustful Leg is just seconds from becoming The Broken Leg. If you are attempting something adventurous and it goes horribly wrong, you have a couple of options. The first is to actually flag what happened. Letting your partner know that it didn’t really work out can be a welcome change from any moments of silence where you ponder what to do next. The other is simply laughter. As long as you’re having a good time, that’s all that really matters.
Have a sexy week,
P.S. Whenever one of these happens, don’t just pull away and decide to put on end to it. Your partner might believe you’re just… not that into it, which would only make things worse.