Posts Tagged ‘pressure’

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Her Elusive Ejaculation: Is There a Problem?

Have you and your lover been trying to “achieve” female ejaculation for weeks or months, still to no avail? Would it surprise you to learn that perhaps the trying is what is holding you back?

The fact of the matter is that not all women are able to ejaculate, and even some that can ejaculate may not actually find the experience all that enjoyable.  Of course, many women do enjoy g-spot stimulation and for those who still have yet to experience female ejaculation, there can be a tendency to get frustrated and start placing blame with negative self-talk.

It is in our modern nature to be “fixers” and to see life’s challenges and possibilities as obstacles to leap over or issues to work through, preferably as quickly as possible. But maybe the “problem” all comes down to thinking about her body as a problem!

Negative self-talk takes many forms and gets directed at all aspects of our lives. When things don’t go exactly the way we have imagined them in our often confused and cluttered brains, we tell ourselves that “something is wrong” or “there is a problem” and we set out to find a way to “fix” things, all the while getting more and more upset as time passes and we don’t find the answer.

Consider this – maybe there is no answer.

The Mind

I’m not saying that there aren’t techniques to explore and experiences to enjoy that might make ejaculation easier… but what if I told you that the easiest and most important step to enjoying an elusive experience is to let go? Stop clinging to the outcome and enjoy the journey!

When we think about our sexual experiences as trophies we must fight for and problems we have to fix, we put our focus squarely on the desired outcome and forget to enjoy everything else on the way. We forget about the most important aspect of our sexual experiences… love.

There could be many things keeping your lover in a non-ejaculatory holding pattern, but the one I see the most in couples new to sexual exploration is a overwhelming need to please. If your wife is trying to ejaculate, either to please you or to “achieve” some kind of sexual goal, she loses her ability to stay present in the moments of pleasure that can lead up to a g-spot orgasm.

Of course there are the obvious mental blocks that many women have left over from their coming-of-age years: sexual shame, ideas about what is “proper” for a “lady” during sex, concerns about cleanliness associated with ideas about sex being “dirty”. Each of these mental blockages can be relieved only through presence of mind and exploration of the body. Placing more blame by identifying lack of female ejaculatory experience as a “problem” only serves to make these mental blocks more difficult to put in the past where they belong.

The Body

As I mentioned, not every female body is inherently capable of experiencing ejaculation. Scientists have discovered that the thicker the clitoral root where it lies between the “female prostate” (medically referred to as the Skene’s gland) and the vagina, the more likely a woman is to enjoy g-spot stimulation and experience ejaculatory orgasms.

Whether caused by genetics, nerve damage from a hysterectomy or a c-section, or simply atrophy from lack of use, building up this pleasurable nerve tissue does not happen over night! Doing kegels for a week is not going to show any significant signs of improvement. It could take years of practice to encourage the body to build up thicker clitoral tissue, increase sensitivity and experience an ejaculatory female orgasm. If you spend the entire time focusing solely on ejaculation as “the goal,” then you will likely get discouraged and give up sooner rather than later.

The Soul

The spirit of sex is pleasure. If your sexual exploration is stressful, you lose sight of the true purpose behind this journey you have committed to take together – the sweet, sensual pleasures that come from enjoying your bodies as they are right now, not as you hope them to be in a week, or a month, or a year.

Be conscious of your bodies. Live in them wholly and fully. Breathe deeply. Eat healthy. Love freely with the boundless energy of two souls united as one. Enjoy every moment you spend together in sensual delights as if it is your first, as if it could be your last. Give praise and celebrate bliss, and all your deepest desires will come true, once you forget about the destination and simply enjoy the ride.

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Posted in G-Spot Orgasms | 7 Comments »

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The G-Spot Controversy: Why the Debate?

German gynaecologist Ernst Gräfenberg first identified the g-spot some sixty years ago, and ever since the sexual health world has been on fire with the debate over its existence. If you have ever been on the wet end of female ejaculation, you won’t have any confusion about its existence! So why can’t scientists decide?

It seems to have a lot to do with the method of study, according to researchers who completed a recent study of 1800 British twins at the King’s College in London, published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine.

Clinical psychologist Andrea Burri, lead study author, thinks the problem is in how we ask the question. In her study, the scientists opted not to perform physical exams on the women, but rather asked them a subjective question: whether or not they identified having a “so called G-spot, a small area the size of a 20p [5 cent] coin on the front wall of your vagina that is sensitive to deep pressure?”

Only 56% of women answered in the positive, and there didn’t seem to be any genetic correlation. But how many women have been with a man who has made a priority of finding her g-spot?

Scientists in the study did find that women who identified experiencing g-spot sensation tended to be more adventurous and open to new experiences. Do these women take the time to explore themselves when their men don’t? Or perhaps they are more likely to encourage a lover to move in a new way?

Studies in recent years have shown that women with thicker vaginal tissue between the vagina and the urethra, where the g-spot is thought to lie. A new study under review shows greater promise, using ultrasound to image the reproductive tissues during intercourse, has identified the area they believe to be the g-spot.

This area, known as the Skene’s gland (or the lesser vestibular glands, periurethral glands, skene glands, paraurethral glands, and female prostate) is named after the gynecologist who first identified it, Dr. Alexander Skene. The glands are inside the body, between the urethra and the vagina, surrounded by clitoral tissue. It is capable of producing fluid, similar to that produced by the prostate, though often contains (harmless) trace amounts of urine. Most women who experience g-spot orgasms also ejaculate, though as science has shown, not all women enjoy this kind of stimulation.

Will She Like It?

It is possible that your lover simply may not enjoy g-spot stimulation at all. Just as some men aren’t fond of internal prostate stimulation, some women will not experience pleasure from direct g-spot touch. So if she hasn’t responded well so far, should you just give up?

Of course not! There are a few things you can try together, to see if her disinterest is an issue of biology or psychology.

Relax and Enjoy

The best place to start a g-spot journey is in the water. Be careful when enjoying any kind of sexy time in a pool, hot tub, or even the bath or shower. Fingering with any kind of force, or engaging in intercourse under water, can force the liquid through the cervix and into the uterus. All the chlorine, fluoride and other chemicals can wreak havoc on your lady’s lady parts, so be careful!

The easiest way to approach the g-spot in these situations is with no thrusting at all. Simply insert two fingers gently into the vagina, using your erotic touch skills to locate the change in texture or density that identifies her g-spot. If you have trouble finding it, improvise for now. Just a few inches inside her canal, on the upper wall of her vagina angling toward her belly, you should encounter a bit of a swell, or a rough patch, or maybe just a spot that gets a reaction!

Instead of thrusting in and out, simply crook your fingers in towards your palm, putting pressure there. For many women who struggle to let go and release the liquid pleasure inside, being in water for this incredible experience can help ease some of the pressure and fear of making a mess.

If She Doesn’t Feel It?

Don’t give up. If she’s not interested, don’t push the issue, but time does change all things! Some day in the future, an inexpensive g-spot sex toy might inspire you to try again. Just remember, just because a woman doesn’t necessarily enjoy having her g-spot rubbed, doesn’t mean that female ejaculation is a nonexistent or mythical phenomenon. Join the g-spot truth movement! Spread the word.

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Posted in G-Spot Orgasms | 6 Comments »

Making a connection

A Man’s Hands: Bringing Out the Best

He that would perfect his work must first sharpen his tools.
- Confucius

If your fingers are your key to playing your lover like an instrument, then you want them to be in the best shape possible, right? Well love, you’re in luck. I’ve got some great exercises here to give you the chance to improve on the four fronts of fingering skill: flexibility, strength, dexterity and sensitivity. Let’s get started, shall we?

Flexibility: Pull, Bend and Stretch

Range of motion is the important aspect of flexibility, which is defined by your ability to bend at the joints. For our purposes, the joints of the fingers, wrists and arms should move easily and with grace so you can get into poses and positions that will really rock her world. Don’t get carried away in your initial exploration with your wife, and be sure to stretch before you get started or you might pull a muscle!

Beginning with the fingers of one hand, try using the opposite palm to pull each of your digits gently backward, toward the arm. Do the same with a bend at the wrist, stretching gently back toward the forearm. Be sure to spend lots of time focusing on the stretch; yoga and standard upper body stretching routines are great for opening up the muscles and joints in the forearms, biceps, shoulders and chest.

Strength: Squeeze, Walking, Wring, Support

Strength, in a sense, isn’t just about the power behind each movement in the hand, but the stamina that allows the repetitive movement that is absolutely necessary to take your wife all the way to orgasm. There aren’t any actual muscles in the fingers themselves, but the fibers that do control these body parts need a lot of strength to pull this off.

There are four great movements that work together to improve overall hand and upper body strength. Starting again with the fingers, the action of squeezing and releasing the tension in the hand helps to build overall hand strength in both the fingers and the palm. You can use a walking motion, a la “Thing” from the Adams Family, to stretch and strengthen the individual fingers. The wringing motion of the wrists is a great move to build muscle, using a dry towel held in each hand and twisting. The final stretch exercise focuses on the arms, using push=ups or moves like the Downward Facing Dog in yoga to improve the overall fitness of the arms, chest and shoulder.

Dexterity: Lift & Flip

Dexterity is a skill that is really about precision, being able to isolate your movements. Can you place your palm flat on the table and lift your fingers one at a time? How about if you hold your hand out, palm facing you, and attempt to bend each finger in toward your wrist, one at a time, without moving the others?

You may recognize the best exercise for this purpose as a Vegas party trick, but it’s not just good for impressing women while sharing a cocktail! Practice flipping a coin (or something lighter, like a poker chip) first on the pads of your finger, “passing” it from one finger to the next by flipping it over. When you have mastered the pass palm up, switch to flipping the coin over your bent knuckles!

Sensitivity: Touch, Pressure, Layers

The sensitivity of the hand is primarily in the palm side of the skin, where the nerves are responsible for locating minute changes in texture, pressure and density. Try one exercise to focus on each! For texture, challenge yourself to find a hair or thread with your fingertip, while it hides between pieces of paper (tissue or telephone book quality), slowly increasing the number of pages until you can no longer feel the change.

The Resilient Edge of Resistance
Tackle pressure using a balloon or inflated ball to find “the resilient edge of resistance”. Described by Barbara Carellas in “Urban Tantra: Sacred Sex for the 21st Century”, this boundary is the space that lies between touch that is too light and touch that is too heavy. When your fingers just glide over the surface of the balloon, without affecting the shape at all, your touch is too light. Hold the balloon in the palm of your hand and begin to squeeze. There will come a point when the balloon stops being simply displaced by your hand, and begins to stretch. This stretching is the beginning of a touch that is too rough.

When you feel you have identified the resilient edge of resistance in the balloon, it’s time to move to a human being. Because most of our bodies aren’t inflated with gas, there is a density to them that we can sense when our touch is just right. Start by feeling the air above the skin, the tiny hairs that set off the nerves. Move to the skin, then the subcutaneous fat layer, then muscle and tendons, then bone. In the five touches, you can improve your sense of your wife’s body just holding her hand as you walk down the street.

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Posted in Fingering Techniques | 19 Comments »