You have probably found yourself puzzled by the female sexual response many times throughout your life. Why do women seem to respond to sex so differently? Why don’t the same things turn you on that turns her on? Why does it seem like it takes her forever to be turned on when you just have to have one sexy thought and you’re good to go? Women ARE different when it comes to sexuality. Your task, if you want to be a great lover, is to try to understand these differences. Through learning about how she ticks, you will be better able to please her.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not claiming that all women work the same way and like the same things, because they definitely don’t. But there are some things about women’s sexuality that are generally true and will absolutely help you to understand your partner better and better meet her sexual needs.
The Original
Famous sexologists Masters and Johnson came up with a theory on sexual response that was the accepted theory for a long time. They proposed that we first experience sexual excitement/arousal, then we have a plateau period in which we’re sexually turned on, but not climaxing to orgasm yet. The next stage is orgasm and the final stage is resolution. Another sexologist, Kaplan, later added desire to this model as the first stage in the sexual response. So what does this mean? You have desire to have sex, you get turned on, sexual activity begins and you have a period of stimulation which leads to orgasm and then you have your recovery period. Does that sound familiar? It probably does because that’s how most men experience sexual response. But women? Women are different. Some women might experience something similar to that model, some of the time, but defining their sexuality in that way is really limiting and suggests that there is something wrong with them if they don’t fit the model.
A Better Way?
Years after this model was proposed other sexologists began trying to come up with other ways to describe the way women experience sexual response. The problem is that women don’t always experience all of the stages and they don’t necessarily experience them in that linear order. For example, they might not initially have desire to have sex, but have sex with their partner anyway and still experience arousal, excitement and orgasm. Other women might not experience orgasm at all. Others might have desire, but only AFTER experiencing excitement.
So, a better way to think about women’s sexual response is to understand that she probably doesn’t work the same way that you do when it comes to any of these stages. That doesn’t mean that you’re doing anything wrong at all, it just means that she simply doesn’t function that way. By trying to understand how she experiences sexual response you will be able to please her more.
How Do I Make it Work?
With this new information you might want to tweak your sexual game in order to better meet her needs.
* Remember that desire might not come first. Some women might not DESIRE sex before starting up foreplay. That might sound bad at first, but it’s really not. Remember, the female response is different. She is still a completely willing and happy participant. We’re not talking about coercing someone into doing something they don’t want to do because that is very wrong. Some women might make the choice to have sex because they know once they start foreplay, they will get into it, but the initial desire is not necessarily there.
* Make foreplay about more than just sex. Increasing intimacy in your relationship can be about a lot of things. It can mean making the time to share meals with each other and talking every night (cell phones off!). It can mean sending thoughtful texts throughout the day. Helping out with tasks you know she hates to do. It could mean renting her favorite movie and just cuddling on the couch all night. Giving her a shoulder massage after a long day… the list goes on and on. By connecting with your partner on an emotional level and being a thoughtful partner, she will feel closer to you and the likelihood that sexual intimacy will happen will also increase.
* Be patient with foreplay. If you’re really interested in making her sexual experience better and not just your own, then don’t rush through foreplay. Communicate about what she likes and dislikes, pay attention to her body language and enjoy being in the moment.
* Don’t sweat it if she doesn’t orgasm. Not every woman has orgasms during sex. Not every woman has orgasms period. She might have an orgasm one night and not the next. Don’t stress it because she probably isn’t. If she tells you that she enjoys sex with you even when she doesn’t cum, believe her. Even if that doesn’t seem possible for you, trust that she’s being honest.
Kisses,
Gabrielle Moore
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