Performance anxiety is something that only happens to people with penises, right? Incorrect. It’s about time you stopped putting the blocks on getting your rocks off.
Your tongue is on her clitoris. It knows its way around her vulva like David Attenborough knows his chimpanzees, and nerve endings are firing. So why hasn’t she come yet? You haven’t been counting the minutes, but if you were working your way through the alphabet, you suspect you’d be reaching Q by now – M, at the very least. She casts her eyes downwards, a reassuring glance that says, ‘I’ll come soon, I swear.’
Surfing a wave of pleasure isn’t easy for a woman, when she’s wondering when her last wax was, how badly her partner’s jaw must be aching and what the view is really like down there. It’s female performance anxiety (FPA), anxiety about coming, or not being able to come. The anxiety trigger could be that she’s fretting about taking too long to climax, whether she’s doing sex ‘right’, or a lingering issue with her partner.
Throw into the mix decades of internalized misogyny that’s left a woman convinced her bits are best left covered up, and it’s no wonder she’s freaking out about the proximity of someone else’s face to your clitoris. The weight of those myths dissociates women from the pleasure they’re having. An off switch snaps, and orgasmic potential vanishes.
What’s responsible for her pleasure going up in a puff of smoke is that old killjoy cortisol. Released when you feel anxious, cortisol suppresses the feel-good brain chemicals normally activated during arousal. And even if you go through the right motions, so to speak, a mind in fight-or-flight mode stops registering erotic sensations in the body. Orgasmic anxiety makes a woman unable to stay focused on pleasure because she’s constantly distracted by random thoughts. She feels like she’s watching herself doing it, rather than enjoying doing it. Anxiety is then cemented when her default reaction to an AWOL orgasm is to point the finger back at herself.
The first step to overcoming performance anxiety is to quit thinking it’s only valid when it happens to men. This is a common gender bias. Because there isn’t an overt erection for women, they can’t see that the arousal system isn’t working. But know that it makes total sense that her emotions inhibit arousal. But there’s a way to fix it and help her experience really powerful orgasms.
And if you want to know more about how to make your woman scream with pleasure and become sexually addicted to you, check out this program, Squirting Orgasms Shortcuts. You’ll learn 3 totally exciting and hot techniques to make her squirting and go wild with passion.
Step 1. Drop a sense
If you find yourself in a threesome with you, your partner and anxiety (a clear sign that FPA is robbing your partner of a good time is quick and shallow breathing when she’s nowhere near climax), slow things down. Actively turn her attention to inhaling and exhaling, deeply and slowly, as she would when meditating. This diffuses tension and refocuses her mind on sensations over thoughts. I also recommend activating slo-mo mode on shenanigans. It’s common to feel like you have bases to tick off, but staying in “make-out mode” (that’s reaching orgasm or a high state of arousal without intercourse – use your imagination) and noticing what her body does when you slow down can be helpful. Also, forget the lights-off stigma and purposefully have sex in the dark or wearing a blindfold. When you turn off one sense, the others are magnified. That makes her zone in on every titillating touch, rather than zone out.
Step 2. Practice relaxation
Sexual excitement and sexual nervousness are similar. The difference is that when a woman is excited, she’s also a little bit relaxed, breathing fully and able to stay present; when she’s afraid, she tenses up around that excitement, her breathing constricts and she starts projecting into the future. Example: ‘We could go at this until next Tuesday and I still wouldn’t come.’ Interestingly, you can use your surroundings to get that climax clairvoyant back on side. A whiff of valerian root oil can lower frantic activity by boosting her levels of a Zen-promoting neurotransmitter called gamma amino butyric acid (not one to try to spell mid-shag). Or upgrade on your Ikea tea lights and burn a lavender scented massage candle. They melt at a lower temperature and turn into oil – meaning they relax her via their scent and when brushed on to her body as an ahh-that-feels-goooood massage balm.
Step 3. Come round to it
If her mind still won’t STFU, identify which orgasm-impeding anxieties you can actually deal with. The fear of getting an STI or an unwanted pregnancy, for example, can be addressed by finding contraceptive methods that work for you. Similarly, if it’s technique that’s missing the spot(s), expand bedroom dialogue beyond the sheepish, ‘Er, did you come?’ Keep communication flowing like a fine Sauvignon. Gentle directives like ‘keep going’ and ‘right there’ can go a long way. Most importantly, accept that there are some in-bed emotions that she just has to make peace with. Such as? Well, take body image. Hating on her naked parts can be powerful enough to screw with her arousal to the point where she avoids sex altogether. The best way to do that? Noticing an anxiety is there, but then setting it aside rather than blasting it on repeat like an advert jingle. This calms the emotion down, so she can still be present to the physical experience.
P.S. For a woman, pleasure is an equation with too many unknown variables, so to silence all of them and really help her let loose and lose herself in the ecstasy, you need to pull out the big guns. And by big guns I mean powerful thrusting techniques. Learn all about them by checking this program – Squirting Orgasms Shortcuts