“I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself” – Johnny Carson
You’ve got the anatomy bit nailed, but biology can’t answer the really important sex questions – like where to start when looking for a sex toy or how to make sure your partner orgasms every time. I can: here’s practical advice on everything sex-related.
We go to classes to get fitter, watch TED Talks to get smarter, negotiate our salaries to get richer. Great sex is expected to jus… happen. By magic. Film and porn present sex as simple and effortlessly obtained, with everyone having vast quantities of orgasmic partnered sex. The rest of us wonder where we fit in if we are not experiencing it like that.
We need to become more committed to learning about our pleasure, and abolish the idea that speaking about sex – that asking too many questions about it – is shameful, dirty or taboo.
Hell yes to that! In response, I’ve rounded up a a group of the most burning questions you might have about sex and I’ve answered each and every one of them.
”How do I make my partner orgasm the normal way? That is, during intercourse.”
Let’s lose a word from that sentence: normal. I constantly get men feeling bad if their partners can’t orgasm “the normal way”, which they only see as vaginal penetration. I often hear, “My partner is having clitoral orgasms but I want you to teach me how to also have vaginal orgasms.” Or, “I gave her an orgasm but it was with my finger.” And my response is always this: since when was there a hierarchy of orgasms? When we start giving things a hierarchy that’s just too much pressure. Let’s just call them all orgasms. Plus, P in V isn’t the be-all and end-all. There are so many other ways to make your partner come. If she’s not having vaginal orgasms with your penis inside her, don’t worry. Most women – around 70 per cent – don’t. And because of where the clitoris is situated, it makes perfect sense that it’s harder to attain. Just use your hand or a vibrator during sexual intercourse and you’ll manage to give her a double route to pleasure. And stop thinking that things can only happen one way. When you do that, you’ll enjoy whatever is going on a lot more.
“How on earth to I buy a sex toy?”
It might be a little on the obvious side, but first things first – just walk in to the shop. People get consumed by the terror of being in a sex shop, but the Internet can never depict the size, shape, feel, controls or noise of a toy. I see many toys touted as waterproof, super-loud vibes labelled “whisper quiet”, straight dildos that claim to hit the G-Spot. Get your hands on things – your visceral reaction will tell you a lot. Think about what you want from it. Do you want to insert it in your partner’s vagina, stimulate her clitoris, or both? Do you want something that you can use on your body as well? Do you like pressure pinpointed on one spot or broader? After that, it’s pretty much a question of what features you require. If you’re planning on using it in the bath, you’re going to need something submersible. If you need to be quiet, don’t go for sheer power (there’s also an accompanying noise level). The key ingredients are a range of different vibration intensities, from very low to powerful, with many levels in between.
“How do I get from so-so sex to great sex?”
When it comes to sex, there is no magic number or “right” technique. Actually, when it comes to sex, we’re 50 Shades of Confused. Why? Because we romanticize sex to be multiple-orgasmic, energetic and coordinated. The reality is that sex is often pretty clumsy: inserting, and then withdrawing, sweating, slipping and sliding. People invest more effort into deciding whether to trim their pubic hair or not than in learning to talk about sex. Great sex doesn’t only mean wild chemistry or a wild sex position – it’s putting your piece of mind first, and simply just bringing it up. Yep, you heard it here first, a seriously mind-blowing orgasm is just one conversation away. Too easy. You’ve totally got this.
“It’s my first time trying anal sex with my partner! How do I do it?”
If you’re feeling quite intrigued and are keen to give it a go, the most important thing you have to know is that it doesn’t have to be painful for your partner. The important thing is to help her relax her mind and body before going at it. How to start? A finger brushing around the area will get her used to how it feels. If she enjoys that contact and is ok with trying something deeper, use plenty of lubricant as the anus doesn’t produce it’s own natural wetness (like a vagina).