If you would rather watch than read, the demonstration is here. Watch the demonstration
This one is a letter rather than an article, because what I have to say is directed at you specifically and I would rather not dress it up as journalism.
Somewhere along the way you were taught that the correct behaviour, when a woman goes down on you, is to become furniture.
Lie still. Do not push. Do not direct. Do not make demands. Do not, under any circumstances, put a hand anywhere near her head. Say thank you afterwards.
You learned this from a decade of cultural messaging about not being that guy, and the instinct behind it is a decent one. But somewhere between not being that guy and where you have ended up, you removed yourself from the encounter entirely. And from where she is kneeling, an absent man and a bored man look exactly the same.
She Is Working Blind
Consider her situation for a moment, because I promise you have never actually done this.
She cannot see your face. Her eyes are eight inches from your stomach and angled downward. She has no access to the primary channel through which humans establish whether the thing they are doing is landing.
She cannot hear anything either, because you have gone silent. She cannot feel you respond, because you are holding perfectly still out of politeness. She has no hands on her to tell her anything.
So she is performing a fairly demanding physical act, for an unspecified length of time, with no feedback whatsoever, on the basis of guesswork. And the guesswork is not fun. The guesswork is the reason she is thinking about her jaw instead of thinking about you.
Every single thing I am about to tell you is a way of restoring the feedback channel you switched off.
Put Your Hand Where She Can Feel It
Not to push. Not to control her pace, not to hold her down, not to do the thing you have correctly been told not to do.
Rest your hand at the back of her head with weight in it. Just weight. The distinction between a hand that pushes and a hand that rests is enormous from underneath, and she will read it correctly in under a second.
What that weight communicates is presence. It says: I am here, I am aware of you, I am not drifting. And because a resting hand rises and falls slightly with the motion, it also passes information back down the chain. When she does something that makes your hand tighten involuntarily, she has just learned something she could not have learned any other way.
If her head is not accessible, use her shoulder, her upper back, her hand. The location is negotiable. The contact is not.
Make the Sound. She Cannot See Your Face.
You are going to find this uncomfortable and I want you to do it anyway.
Men are conditioned into near-total silence during sex, and the silence gets read as indifference by a person who has no other data. Half of what a woman is enjoying, when she is enjoying this, is the evidence that it is working. Take away the evidence and you have taken away most of her half of it.
You do not need to perform. You need to stop suppressing. There is almost certainly a sound already trying to happen in your throat that you are actively holding down out of self-consciousness. Let it out. That is the entire instruction.
Stop Suppressing the Tilt
There is a small involuntary movement your hips make when she finds a particular angle. A tilt, a lift, a half-inch of nothing that you have been trained to flatten because moving feels like demanding.
Do not flatten it. That tilt is the single most useful piece of information she will receive all evening, and it is the reason she will do that specific thing again.
Every woman who is good at this is running a live experiment on you. The tilt is the readout. If you suppress the readout she is left with nothing to optimise and she will default to the generic thing she learned at twenty-two, which is not what you want and not what she wants either.
Tell Her, Out Loud, Where
Here is the sentence that changes the most and gets said the least.
“Right there. Exactly that.”
Four words. Say them at the moment they are true. Not as instruction, not as correction, just as confirmation of a thing that is happening.
Women are not offended by direction here. Women are offended by silence followed by disappointment. If you have specific preferences about pressure, depth, hands, rhythm, this is the one context in which stating them plainly is received as generosity rather than as criticism, because she is guessing and she would like to stop.
And the Part That Actually Determines Everything
How this goes is decided before it starts, by whether she wants to.
Not whether she is willing. Whether she wants to. And what produces wanting to, more reliably than anything else, is the thing that happened twenty minutes earlier, which is you paying the same attention in the other direction with no visible expectation of return.
A woman who has been thoroughly and unhurriedly attended to arrives at this with an entirely different energy than a woman who has been efficiently warmed up. This is not a moral point about fairness. It is a mechanical observation about arousal, and arousal is contagious in exactly one direction.
Inside Blown Away
- The hand placements that read as presence rather than pressure, and the one that does not.
- What to say and when, including the four words above and the three that follow them.
- Reading her pace, and why slowing down is almost always a request rather than fatigue.
- The build sequence that makes her want to, rather than agree to.
- The finish conversation, handled once, properly, so it never has to be awkward again.
Watch It Rather Than Guess At It
Most of what I have described here is about calibration, and calibration is very hard to convey in prose. You need to see the difference between the hand that rests and the hand that pushes, because in text they sound identical and in the room they are opposites.
Watch the full demonstration inside Blown Away.
With pleasure,
Gabrielle Moore
