“All I want is rough sex and cuddling after. Is that too much to ask?”
If you’ve never actually considered going as far as visiting a professional sex therapists, not to worry, I’m bringing their precious advice to you. They help clients with everything from where-did-it-go libido to serious sexual dysfunctions. Their friends – now including you – get that advice for free. From me.
If you feel bad about your body, try sleeping naked
After having a child, a friend of mine was worried that her husband would no longer love the way she looked and that it would hurt their sex life. I suggested she try this one simple behavior: sleeping in the nude. It turned out that her husband already did that habitually. There’s something very different that happens under the covers when skin touches skin and you can truly feel each other, instead of just your pajamas. Even exhaustion takes over, the simplicity of entwined legs or a brush of a limb can keep you connected and more intimate. And it can even lead to feeling better about your bodies. Touch is profound – feeling your partner’s skin against you in small, nonsexual ways is a nonverbal reminder that she loves and accepts your body, and she’s not backing off, because it feels good. That can lead to better acceptance on your part too.
Breathe your way through a sex problem
I’ve had several women come to me with issues of pain during sex. Sometimes it’s due to a disorder called vaginismus, but some women just have pain without any discernible cause. One particular friend was already being treated by her gynecologist for the medical component, but I knew there were emotional issues as well. She has a history of partners that have not taken her desires into consideration and a lot of fear when it comes to sex. I recommended that she and her current partner try sensual massage, followed by G-spot stimulation with the help of a finger or a small vibrator. When she felt pain, I suggested they stop and become still, and that she breathe deeply and calmly until the pain passed, and then start again. In the beginning, they had to stop and start a lot, but they stuck with it together. They can actually have intercourse now because she knows how to relax and breathe through it if discomfort does arise.
Men are sensitive in the bedroom too!
A friend and I were having lunch recently and she started complaining that her guy didn’t know how to get foreplay right. I hear this type of thing a lot: People often seek sex counseling for something their partner is or isn’t doing. What they don’t acknowledge is that both people usually share responsibility. In my friend’s case, she was also saying mean things to him, like, “Who taught you how to kiss?” This made the man who loved her not want to make out with her at all; Even when two people have been together for years, they can still get embarrassed. I suggested that she instead tell him what she does like, rather than what she thinks he’s doing wrong. “I am really turned on by XYZ.” There’s no blaming in that statement, and anybody hearing it would be encouraged to please her more rather than feel ashamed or mad. She took my advice, and tells me that nobody has ever kissed her as well as he does now, and positive “I” statements from both of them have made all aspects of their relationship more pleasurable.
Try this special down there massage
When friends tell me they’re having trouble climaxing or that things just aren’t zinging in bed, I tell them about this vulvar massage technique. As a sexual surrogate, I’ve taught this to couples, and also to men who want to learn how to make their partners happier. Basically, put your hand over her vulva, with your palm on the mound and fingers down toward the vagina. Then just move the heel of your palm back and forth a tiny bit, then getting quicker. It will slowly build up arousal. Everyone who tries it loves it.
Sex is the best medicine
I learned that some relatives of mine who had been together for a long time weren’t having much sex anymore. So I told the woman that, given her partner’s heart history – he’s had a quadruple bypass – the best thing she could do for him, health-wise, was have more sex. I told her about a research team that found that men who had sex three or more times every week cut their risk of heart disease in half. And it’s not just guys who get the health benefits: Sex can work as a sleep aid, an antidepressant, even a painkiller. So say goodbye to those headaches!
Stop fighting about sex and have sex already
A friend confided in me that it had been a while since she and her boyfriend had had sex. He only initiated it in the morning after she has gotten ready for work – or at midnight when she was almost asleep and worried that she had only six hours until she needed to wake up again. She’s typically ready for sex right after work, but he’s not in the mood then. Basically, they’re on different sex schedules. I told her to suck it up and do it late at night. It’s worth it to compromise in this area, because by giving in to your partner’s needs, you’re actually getting so much out of it too. Don’t get caught up in the battle about controlling the timing and simply think about the big picture. Sexual satisfaction is important for a lasting and fulfilling relationship. If it means you go to bed 15 minutes later, what’s the big deal, especially if you are feeling satisfied and closer to your partner?
Have a sexy week,
P.S. Miss the sizzle and pop in your relationship? Read this article together and start a recovery plan as soon as possible.