“Sometimes we need to stop analyzing the past, stop planning the future, stop figuring out precisely how we feel, stop deciding exactly what we want, and just see what happens.” – Sex and the City
Your ex popping up at your local bar is bad, but in bed? Must-stop-right-now! Awkward to say the least. Your former relationship is over and done, her old night gown has been hidden at the back of the drawer, and you’ve finally found someone else to get naked with. But what if your ex is still in your bed? Psychologically, that is. If you’re afraid to ask for oral because your ex hated doing it or you always leave your socks on because she laughed at your ‘funny’ toes – then, yes, you have a sexual hangover. But don’t worry, I’ve got cures that work faster than a Berocca and Macca’s hash-brown combo.
Zero body love
“The first person I slept with as a teenager was derogatory about my body, and now I can only really relax if the lights are off”, admits Robert, 35.
The cure: It only takes a single comment to make you feel damaged. But while it’s all too easy to take on a belief, in reality a cruel comment is more likely to be about her insecurities than anything to do with you. If you are holding on to something unkind she said to you, let it go. Because if a woman is in bed with you, she thinks you’re hot. Fact. And you know what’s even hotter than a naked you? A confident naked you. Think of a celeb you think works it, and channel their style.
“Whenever I suggested trying out something a bit kinky, my ex said she couldn’t do it as she felt I was degrading her”, recalls Eugene. “I left that relationship feeling quite shy about my sex life, and now I’m insecure and really uncomfortable asking for what I want.”
The cure: Granted, you might frighten her if you ask her to build a Fifty-Shades-style Red Room of Pain, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t ask for what you want. Past experiences, particularly intimate ones when we feel unsure and vulnerable, can and do leave a lasting impression. Whenever this happens, it’s important to try to remember that these experiences – and the thoughts and feelings they created – belong to the past, to the situation they originally occurred in. So consider your new relationship a clean, fresh slate, and speak up and ask your partner for what you want. I bet my shoe fund that she’ll be stoked and reward your courage.
“My ex was very demanding in the bedroom”, Clive confides. “Now I’m dating a girl and I know she adores me, but she doesn’t want sex and I struggle with not being lusted after 24/7.”
The cure: It’s time to change your expectations. We don’t hear much about women’s lack of sex drive, despite it being so very common. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t want you or isn’t attracted to you – a low libido could be the result of something as simple as stress. Try to broaden your idea of sex, and get more creative in the bedroom.
“My ex used to make it clear that I should feel grateful whenever I managed to make her orgasm”, says Hunter. “Basically, her pleasure was a massive chore for me. Consequently, I feel tense and guilty in the same situations with my current girlfriend, which means it can take her longer to reach orgasm. This just makes me feel even more guilty, as she thinks she’s doing something wrong.”
The cure: You’re not locked into being a certain way just because that’s what you’ve experienced in the past. In these circumstances, the best thing you can do is communicate with your new partner openly and honestly. Having said that, it’s best not to mention your past sex life. Your new partner has nothing to do with your previous relationship, so rather than oversharing about your ex, explain that you love when you make her orgasm and you just need to relax. I know bringing up the topic can be scarier than opening your credit card statement after a holiday binge – but if you don’t, nothing will change. Let her teach you what she likes in bed and you will start enjoying your sex life.
5 signs you’re not over your ex
- You still choose the long way back from work so you can drive past her house. And you do so at 40km/h along her street.
- A trip to the corner store for milk takes you more than 15 minutes, just in case you bump into her.
- You’ve opened fake Instagram and Twitter accounts so you can follow her movements without her finding out.
- You regularly send her sister messages – even though you never liked her when you were together.
- You’re counting the days until her birthday so you have an actual, non-creepy reason to get in touch with her.
Have a sexy week,
P.S. Why linger in the past when the future is so bright and new and so much more interesting. Move on.