“Sex is hardly ever just about sex.” – Shirley MacLaine
Women reveal all the sordid, neurotic and sometimes plain weird thoughts that occur when they’re in bed with you.
- Before sex: by Rhonda, 29
The pre-sex warm-up for the confident woman is as simple as swimming. Dip your toe in. Is it warm? Is it wet? Jump in. But for the neurotic woman, this process is way more complicated. Sex with a boyfriend (or regular sex buddy) causes very little anxiety. We’ll ask something like, ‘Would you like to have The Sex now?’ and hope you reply, ‘Yes, please, girlfriend/sex buddy. I really would like to. Allow me to disrobe.’ Then it’s game on.
Even one-night-stands aren’t tricky. Booze drowns out performance anxiety and concerns about the chances he’ll see you’re not that perfectly waxed. No, what we dread is first-time sex with a man we like romantically, because seeing somebody’s naked bits for the first time – and knowing what to do with them – is as awkward for us as it is for you. And it will send our vagina and brain into panic mode.
Brain: What if he doesn’t like how you smell down there?
Vagina: Never mind that now, when was the last time I saw action?
Brain: Um, January?
Vagina: January! That was five months ago. How did we perform?
Brain: Really good, I think. But nerdy co-workers can be misleadingly enthusiastic.
Vagina: This is no time for jokes, man.
Brain: I’m sorry, I’m a bit nervous. Let’s call the whole thing off.
Vagina: Shut up, brain. You’re going to ruin it for the both of us.
Nervous women can’t multitask, no matter what people say. Not only are we recalling every embarrassing sexual failure we’ve ever had (not managing to get him erect, not coming even after 30 minutes of intense penetration that left us sore, accidentally knocking him unconscious in the shower), we’re also studying your every move for the faintest of green lights. Clothes off is a good sign; you clenching your hands on the remote control when we’re chewing on your ear with clear intention is not. But nothing puts us at rest more than the words, ‘Would you like to have The Sex now?’
- During sex: by Carla, 34
There’s no time in a woman’s life that requires as much thought as those precious moments when we’re having sex. It’s not that we’re not enjoying it, it’s just that, for most chicks, getting sex right is important but, damn, there’s a lot to consider. Chances are, while you might be allowing passion to take charge, women are too busy processing thoughts and pondering questions for any raw emotion to squeeze through: Do you like this position? Would you prefer another? Should we initiate the change or wait till you come up with a better one? Will this position make you come too soon? Will it not make me orgasm at all?
But it’s that great mystery of anatomy that really gets us thinking in the bedroom. Vaginas are pretty standard (we think!), so why does every penis seem to be a different shape? How do I operate this one? How come you’re not quivering in pleasure when I’m doing exactly what worked last time with someone else? And if you are making noise, is it moaning or are you groaning and wanting me to try something else?
You’d think as we sleep with more men and get more comfortable with our performance in bed that we’d finally be able to switch off our minds and enjoy the ride, right? Not quite, because that’s when we start thinking about your performance. We analyze everything you do, everything you say, and we compare and contrast you against a mental scrapbook of men who’ve come (pardon the terrible pun) before. Of course, when we’re doozy, we don’t think about any of this at all. Sure, it doesn’t feel half as good, but sometimes it’s easier for everyone.
- After sex: by Cleo
Consider what it’s like to speed down a desert road, with wind in your hair. It’s breathtaking, but no matter how lingering the look, it’s gone too soon. That afterglow is similar to what a woman feels after sex. A naked man is in bed with us, with that sexy, flushed look he can only produce after running 100 meters or seeing Eva Longoria shirtless. All a woman wants to do is lie there and bask in her endorphin-induced bliss.
Her hands behind her head as she silently sings Tina Turner’s ‘You’re simply the best’. Then once the soundtrack subsides, the doubts kick in. Did he really expect me to live up to those ’15-minutes-of-blowjob’ promises I made? Can I be given immunity for any heat-of-the-moment claims of unrivalled jaw power?
Then there’s the cuddling. Great theory, sweaty execution. In a perfect world, cuddling would be like tennis: we’d shake hands over the net, compliment each other on a good game and, as I exhale in the glory of post-coital bliss, I’d have a camera and microphone shoved in my face to document the occasion.
But the performance review isn’t only focused on me. Did you enjoy it? After all, a man’s orgasm is a woman’s grand slam trophy. So, before I gladly lie in the wet spot to cuddle, just give me a second to revel in my greatness.
Have a sweet week,
P.S. Of course, not every woman on the planet thinks about these things, but it’s a good place to start, right?