“I have the libido of a 15-year-old boy. My sex drive is so high. I’d rather have sex with Brian all the time than leave the house. He doesn’t mind”- Megan Fox
You dream your wife was as open to sex as Megan Fox, and you can’t really understand why her libido has gone AWOL? After all, when you and she first met, getting naked was most likely the only thing on your minds. And now she tells you she’d rather sleep than indulge in rampant lovemaking! Don’t panic. She can get it back in gear. It’s just a question of libido.
Her libido- and yours as well- is like an appetite, in that it fluctuates up and down. If she’s not desiring sex and it’s distressing both of you or harming the relationship, there are five steps that should be addressed in order to fix things.
One: Need a check-up?
First stop on the road to recovering her sex drive should be her GP. Before you deal with lifestyle considerations- often the main cause of a lack of libido- you need to rule out physical reasons. These can range from an undiagnosed illness- such as glandular fever, diabetes or a hormone problem- to pills. Medications can affect libido, including antidepressants and some contraceptive pills.
Two: Feeling down?
Have you noticed here feeling blue more frequently than usual? Depressed people lose interest in things that give them pleasure, and sex is definitely one of them. And what about her other emotions? Anger and resentment have a direct physical effect on her libido. After all, it’s hard for her to get excited about going to bed with you when she resents you for not helping with the housework, for example. Your best bet is to talk to your partner about any underlying issues. Exercise is also great for letting go of bad energy.
Three: Working too much?
Stress, anxiety, fatigue are the fast route to a low sex drive. Is her job taking over her life? If she’s got something on her mind, there’s not really much brain space for anything else. We come to accept a high level of stress as normal, but it’s one of the biggest libido killers around. The time and energy involved in raising children can also be a factor. There are times in a woman’s life, such as when she’s breastfeeding, when libido is supposed to be low. Or it might just be that she’s really tired and busy and simply can’t be bothered to have sex. Some women put such pressure on themselves to do it, because it is expected of them to behave accordingly, that they end up resenting the act altogether. The key: communication!
Four: Partying too hard?
Is she over-indulging in every area of her life- except the bedroom? Long-term overuse of alcohol or recreational drugs, or both, can have a very real effect on her sex drive, as well as for guys, for that matter. For men especially, a damaged liver can mean problems metabolizing hormones, which causes a build-up of estrogen, which in turn drops the sex drive. Libido is moderated by the male hormone testosterone, and too much estrogen has a dampening effect.
Five: What’s happening at home?
Perhaps she’s gone of sex because she’s not connecting with you or you’re boring each other in the bedroom. If you let sex slip into the background, it tends to stay there. You have to work at it- set realistic goals, have great sex once a week or once a fortnight, rather than having ho-hum sex every two days. Look at your technique, ask her what she thinks you’re not doing. Perhaps you need more foreplay, or to re-establish connection by ding things for each other without penetrative sex. Also, try acting out fantasies or mutual masturbation. And if all else fails? I prescribe the quickie. One thing we know for sure about sex: the more often you have it, the more often you desire it.
Have a seductively pleasurable week,
P.S. You can also try arousing her (maybe with a quick session of oral sex?) and then leaving her unsatisfied. She’ll come to YOU!