The point is that life for me is not going to be the way it is for everyone else. I have a fog machine and movie lights in my bedroom.” – Marilyn Manson
Are you experiencing some sort of lull in your loving? Maybe your boudoir is in need of a romantic revival! If you’re not currently sitting between your parents on the coach while they are watching some outdated soap opera, I’d like you, if you don’t mind, to picture yourself having sex.
You probably imagine yourself in your own room, in your own bed, going at it like a hobo on a ham sandwich. Because that’s where most of us to wild things in bed. And as most of our mutual horizontal hustling happens in the complete darkness of the boudoir, it’s easy to ignore our surroundings.
But when the location where most of your sexy times happen is also treated like a dressing room/storage area/karaoke rehearsal zone, it’s not as conducive to sex as you might have thought. And a proactive environment is paramount to mounting. As they say: if you build it, she will come. And so will you. So let’s get started.
Set the scene
First up, clear out the crapola. And by ‘crapola’ I’m referring to anything that isn’t furniture or fits inside furniture. Magazines, dirty laundry, that bowl with the mouldy growth that looks like Russell Brand’s head – they all need to be gone like last week’s leftovers. This also means banning the laptop, TV, and anything that has wires of any kind – in fact, think of wires as tiny sex-annihilating snakes.
But what of my nightly Facebook fix?! I hear you say. I’m not saying this is going to be easy – but commit to the cause, homeboy. Your bedroom needs to be a haven for your relationship. Arguments might happen in the kitchen, in the lounge room or in front of a Chinese restaurant at 2am, but your bedroom should be so relaxing you’ll be soothed as soon as you walk in. Soothed and in the mood for things lewd.
Toss the throws
Here’s a mistake young players often make: throw pillows. Go overboard on the cushions and you’ll only have to pause the passion to clear a space for the conclusion. Which, needless to say, might ruin the moment a tad… or a ton, if there happens to be a stuffed toy in amongst them.
Light her fire
Illumination is yet another sexual godsend we often neglect – lights on or lights off is usually the Mr. Miyagi-esque extent of discussion. But darkness is less than ideal, and a fluorescent bulb is so unflattering it would make Rihanna reach for a dressing gown. What you want is softer than marshmallow lighting that makes you feel as though you’re in a Sharon Stone film circa 1992. Think lamps, string lights and, of course, candles, which are the lighting equivalent of oysters.
Here’s some sexy chicanery: if you don’t live with your partner but instead take turns having adult slumber parties at each other’s pads – try spritzing her pillows with your perfume as you leave. Later that night when she settles her head down sans you, she’ll be overcome with lustful thoughts of muzzling your neck. Sweet dreams ensue. Like the Dilmah guy would say: do try it.
Have a hot week,
P.S. If you still feel like watching something before going to sleep, invest in a cool projector. She’ll be nicely surprised by your efforts. And it’s more than romantic and sexy.