Posts Tagged ‘touch’

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Reaching the Resilient Edge of Resistance

I’ve written about the “resilient edge of resistance” before here, in the discussion of finger play, so I hope this in-depth look at a revolutionary touch technique will help you improve your touch across the board. Whether you are massaging, fingering, holding hands, or just brushing the hair from her eyes, learning to understand the boundaries of your touch will bring you closer to your lover in a whole new way.

The resilient edge of resistance, a term coined by Urban Tantra author Barbara Carrellas, defines the kind of touch that lies in that mysterious space between too much and not enough. Most men have only two settings when it comes to intimate skin-on-skin contact: touching, and not touching. By default, we are all usually set on “not touching” option. Why is it we find it so hard to initiate touch with the person we love the most? And when you are going to touch, don’t you want to make the most of the time you spend getting close? The quality of your touch is the defining moment of your foreplay. If you can’t make contact with her sexy side when you first try to touch her, you’ll never find your way to share ecstasy.

Your exercise today is going to help you evolve your sense of touch by exploring the layers of your lover’s body. Try identifying each of these six layers, getting feedback from your lover at each stage, being carefully not to press too deeply, or tickle too lightly. Don’t just use your fingers, but your entire hand including your palm. Like always, be sure your room is warm and you are both comfortable. You don’t have to be naked to practice this skill! Try this on her belly or her bum, her arm or tired feet. Anywhere works, as long as she’s comfortable!

Thin Air

The first layer of touch doesn’t even come in to contact with your lover’s physical body. As your hand grows closer to the surface of her skin, feel the sensation that alerts you to the proximity of her body. People can perceive this biomagnetic layer of the human body in different ways. Close your eyes and sense the heat, or the tingling, the shiver of anticipation before you touch her. Allow her to feel the warmth of your body getting ready to reach her. Touch on this level is intricate.

By a Hair

Move just a fraction closer and touch the tips of the hair on her body. This will be easier somewhere the body hair is obvious, like her arms or somewhere she typically shaves (after a few days without). You will find it more challenging on areas of her body where the hair is fine and difficult to discern. Progress from easier to more challenging areas of the body, and improve your fine sensation skills. Touch on this level is a tease!

Skin Deep

Where the hair meets the body, touch the skin with great care. Here you are most likely to tickle. Don’t press, but don’t stutter either. Skim over the surface of the skin like a skillful ice skater. Watch her reaction – some women will feel giggle at a light tickle and another might kick you! Be careful! Touch on this level is casual.

Subcutaneous

The layer of fat just beneath the skin (if your wife is sensitive, learn to say “subcutaneous” with ease), is what holds the skin on to the rest of the body. It is connective, and slides gently over the muscle. Touch on this level is friendly.

Made of Muscle

The muscles of the body are what make it work. Touch on this level can be soothing or stimulating, shallow or deep. We refer to muscle touch as massage and I always have lots to tell you about that! Hot stones can help loosen tight muscles before massage, so deep muscle kneading isn’t necessary. Touch on this level is intimate.

Hard as Bone

Below the muscular level lies bone, the foundation of the body. Holding her body by the bones – at her wrists, her elbows, her hips or her collarbone, for instance – provokes an air of dominance or extreme need. It can heighten the immediacy of an intimate moment, but it can also frighten if used inappropriately, or leave bruises if used for too long. Try it at the brink of orgasm, when you foreplay takes the leap to the next level. Give it a go and she how she feels! Touch at this level is urgent.

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Posted in Foreplay | 8 Comments »

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Bawdy Basics: More Than a Rub Down

Erotic massage may seem like a simple process – a little rub here, a bit of a squeeze there – and it certainly is a wonderful way to lead in to a romantic evening or some passionate lovemaking, but don’t be fooled: massage is a vast field of knowledge and skill!

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Posted in Erotic Massage | 9 Comments »

Making a connection

A Man’s Hands: Bringing Out the Best

He that would perfect his work must first sharpen his tools.
- Confucius

If your fingers are your key to playing your lover like an instrument, then you want them to be in the best shape possible, right? Well love, you’re in luck. I’ve got some great exercises here to give you the chance to improve on the four fronts of fingering skill: flexibility, strength, dexterity and sensitivity. Let’s get started, shall we?

Flexibility: Pull, Bend and Stretch

Range of motion is the important aspect of flexibility, which is defined by your ability to bend at the joints. For our purposes, the joints of the fingers, wrists and arms should move easily and with grace so you can get into poses and positions that will really rock her world. Don’t get carried away in your initial exploration with your wife, and be sure to stretch before you get started or you might pull a muscle!

Beginning with the fingers of one hand, try using the opposite palm to pull each of your digits gently backward, toward the arm. Do the same with a bend at the wrist, stretching gently back toward the forearm. Be sure to spend lots of time focusing on the stretch; yoga and standard upper body stretching routines are great for opening up the muscles and joints in the forearms, biceps, shoulders and chest.

Strength: Squeeze, Walking, Wring, Support

Strength, in a sense, isn’t just about the power behind each movement in the hand, but the stamina that allows the repetitive movement that is absolutely necessary to take your wife all the way to orgasm. There aren’t any actual muscles in the fingers themselves, but the fibers that do control these body parts need a lot of strength to pull this off.

There are four great movements that work together to improve overall hand and upper body strength. Starting again with the fingers, the action of squeezing and releasing the tension in the hand helps to build overall hand strength in both the fingers and the palm. You can use a walking motion, a la “Thing” from the Adams Family, to stretch and strengthen the individual fingers. The wringing motion of the wrists is a great move to build muscle, using a dry towel held in each hand and twisting. The final stretch exercise focuses on the arms, using push=ups or moves like the Downward Facing Dog in yoga to improve the overall fitness of the arms, chest and shoulder.

Dexterity: Lift & Flip

Dexterity is a skill that is really about precision, being able to isolate your movements. Can you place your palm flat on the table and lift your fingers one at a time? How about if you hold your hand out, palm facing you, and attempt to bend each finger in toward your wrist, one at a time, without moving the others?

You may recognize the best exercise for this purpose as a Vegas party trick, but it’s not just good for impressing women while sharing a cocktail! Practice flipping a coin (or something lighter, like a poker chip) first on the pads of your finger, “passing” it from one finger to the next by flipping it over. When you have mastered the pass palm up, switch to flipping the coin over your bent knuckles!

Sensitivity: Touch, Pressure, Layers

The sensitivity of the hand is primarily in the palm side of the skin, where the nerves are responsible for locating minute changes in texture, pressure and density. Try one exercise to focus on each! For texture, challenge yourself to find a hair or thread with your fingertip, while it hides between pieces of paper (tissue or telephone book quality), slowly increasing the number of pages until you can no longer feel the change.

The Resilient Edge of Resistance
Tackle pressure using a balloon or inflated ball to find “the resilient edge of resistance”. Described by Barbara Carellas in “Urban Tantra: Sacred Sex for the 21st Century”, this boundary is the space that lies between touch that is too light and touch that is too heavy. When your fingers just glide over the surface of the balloon, without affecting the shape at all, your touch is too light. Hold the balloon in the palm of your hand and begin to squeeze. There will come a point when the balloon stops being simply displaced by your hand, and begins to stretch. This stretching is the beginning of a touch that is too rough.

When you feel you have identified the resilient edge of resistance in the balloon, it’s time to move to a human being. Because most of our bodies aren’t inflated with gas, there is a density to them that we can sense when our touch is just right. Start by feeling the air above the skin, the tiny hairs that set off the nerves. Move to the skin, then the subcutaneous fat layer, then muscle and tendons, then bone. In the five touches, you can improve your sense of your wife’s body just holding her hand as you walk down the street.

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Posted in Fingering Techniques | 19 Comments »

Hands

Craving Your Caresses

“At the touch of love everyone becomes a poet.”
- Plato

There is nothing more worrisome in a marriage than the realization after the new-relationship-energy begins to fade that you and your partner do not share the the same libido love style. If you are relying too heavily on plain vanilla intercourse in your sex life, it’s hard to keep up with someone who might have a more active libido than yours, and difficult to take your time if you sometimes feel like you have to fight for the chance to get busy in bed.

Taking the time to get to know these ten types profiled by  Dr. Sandra Pertot in her book, “When Your Sex Drives Don’t Match” will set you on the road to recovery from a misaligned motives and untimely urges. Which one are you? How about your wife?

The Entitled Egotist

This lover has convinced themselves of some serious sexual skills, when they are in reality quite lacking. Feeling as if they are entitled to do whatever they need to enjoy an orgasm, their partner is likely to feel left out, especially any shy types who don’t have the heart to ask for what they really want. If you are this kind of lover, you should have your wife use her hands, to show you what she really wants when you touch her.

The Absorbed Addict

The addictive lover doesn’t just love sex, they need it on a daily basis. If regular sex is lacking in their lives, other areas tend to suffer, and intimacy is no exception. If an absorbed partner isn’t getting what they want, they are much less likely to hesitate before cheating, rationalizing that having this need fulfilled elsewhere will make them a better partner. Use your hands to keep up to this firecracker, who is going to need your fancy fingering on a very busy schedule.

The Scared-and-Stressed

Sex isn’t always an enjoyable event, especially for anyone who grew up in an extremely sex-negative environment, or who has experienced trauma in a sexual event. Characterized not only with a low libido, but with a very high level of fear and stress associated with any kind of sexual contact, this lover needs you to go slow and uncover the secret sore spots that need healing. Learning to accept their own body and pleasure through masturbation is the first step.

The Demure Disinterested

This libido is really defined by a lack of libido and has many different causes and outcomes. Foremost, sex is not going to be a big motivator, but intimate touch can definitely still be enjoyed. Don’t assume that a lover disinterested in the standard idea of sex will also pass up your hands-on advances.

The Distracted Detached

It isn’t as if the distracted lover doesn’t enjoy sex, but if it’s isn’t the first thing on the to-do list, of will fall by the wayside or get stashed on the back burner…. maybe even until it burns and sets of the smoke alarm. Setting a schedule to enjoy some time together is a great way to remind yourself or your partner that sex is on the agenda, and ensuring that distractions have been shut off or put away will help keep the focus on what matters.

The Chronic Compulsive

Sometimes a person finds themselves filling a specific sexual need with fetish and fantasy, like BDSM and pornography. There is certainly nothing wrong with a little experimentation, but chronic compulsive lovers learn to only orgasm through specific, ritualized sex acts without being able to truly feel the freedom that pleasureable sex allows. Exploring the wide range of touch sensation can help bring this partner back from the brink of addiction.

The Distraught Dependent

Sex can be one of the best stress relievers, and the dependent libido knows this, relying almost solely on sexual release to relax. If sex isn’t regular, this libido type is likely to get frustrated easily, which can lead to a cycle of fighting and make-up sex, so use your fingers wisely to massage and manipulate your lover to orgasm when they need to loosen up.

The Resigned Reactive

A reactive libido relies entirely on the instigation of a partner, so be prepared to let your magic hands do the talking and turn her on. A reactive partner will take some time to get going, so use your fingers wisely so you can reserve your energy until she’s had the chance to heat up.

The Seductive Sensual

This exotic creature can be described as passionate, emotional and expressive, especially in the realm of sexuality which is the true expression of love. Sensual surprises are the best way to tease and tantalize, so if your wife falls into this category, use your handy helpers to massage her, feed her, bathe her, caress her, even spank her lightly!

The Eager Erotic

Intense and demanding describes the erotic lover perfectly, always seeking adventure. Any kind of sex is acceptable when it comes right down to it, but definitely not enough. A partner can’t rest until they agree to try something new and different to alleviate the boredom of ho-hum sex. Fingers are so versatile, you can learn a new move every week and with practice, expand your repertoire so she never knows what’s coming.

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Posted in Fingering Techniques | 7 Comments »