Posts Tagged ‘love’

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Her Elusive Ejaculation: Is There a Problem?

Have you and your lover been trying to “achieve” female ejaculation for weeks or months, still to no avail? Would it surprise you to learn that perhaps the trying is what is holding you back?

The fact of the matter is that not all women are able to ejaculate, and even some that can ejaculate may not actually find the experience all that enjoyable.  Of course, many women do enjoy g-spot stimulation and for those who still have yet to experience female ejaculation, there can be a tendency to get frustrated and start placing blame with negative self-talk.

It is in our modern nature to be “fixers” and to see life’s challenges and possibilities as obstacles to leap over or issues to work through, preferably as quickly as possible. But maybe the “problem” all comes down to thinking about her body as a problem!

Negative self-talk takes many forms and gets directed at all aspects of our lives. When things don’t go exactly the way we have imagined them in our often confused and cluttered brains, we tell ourselves that “something is wrong” or “there is a problem” and we set out to find a way to “fix” things, all the while getting more and more upset as time passes and we don’t find the answer.

Consider this – maybe there is no answer.

The Mind

I’m not saying that there aren’t techniques to explore and experiences to enjoy that might make ejaculation easier… but what if I told you that the easiest and most important step to enjoying an elusive experience is to let go? Stop clinging to the outcome and enjoy the journey!

When we think about our sexual experiences as trophies we must fight for and problems we have to fix, we put our focus squarely on the desired outcome and forget to enjoy everything else on the way. We forget about the most important aspect of our sexual experiences… love.

There could be many things keeping your lover in a non-ejaculatory holding pattern, but the one I see the most in couples new to sexual exploration is a overwhelming need to please. If your wife is trying to ejaculate, either to please you or to “achieve” some kind of sexual goal, she loses her ability to stay present in the moments of pleasure that can lead up to a g-spot orgasm.

Of course there are the obvious mental blocks that many women have left over from their coming-of-age years: sexual shame, ideas about what is “proper” for a “lady” during sex, concerns about cleanliness associated with ideas about sex being “dirty”. Each of these mental blockages can be relieved only through presence of mind and exploration of the body. Placing more blame by identifying lack of female ejaculatory experience as a “problem” only serves to make these mental blocks more difficult to put in the past where they belong.

The Body

As I mentioned, not every female body is inherently capable of experiencing ejaculation. Scientists have discovered that the thicker the clitoral root where it lies between the “female prostate” (medically referred to as the Skene’s gland) and the vagina, the more likely a woman is to enjoy g-spot stimulation and experience ejaculatory orgasms.

Whether caused by genetics, nerve damage from a hysterectomy or a c-section, or simply atrophy from lack of use, building up this pleasurable nerve tissue does not happen over night! Doing kegels for a week is not going to show any significant signs of improvement. It could take years of practice to encourage the body to build up thicker clitoral tissue, increase sensitivity and experience an ejaculatory female orgasm. If you spend the entire time focusing solely on ejaculation as “the goal,” then you will likely get discouraged and give up sooner rather than later.

The Soul

The spirit of sex is pleasure. If your sexual exploration is stressful, you lose sight of the true purpose behind this journey you have committed to take together – the sweet, sensual pleasures that come from enjoying your bodies as they are right now, not as you hope them to be in a week, or a month, or a year.

Be conscious of your bodies. Live in them wholly and fully. Breathe deeply. Eat healthy. Love freely with the boundless energy of two souls united as one. Enjoy every moment you spend together in sensual delights as if it is your first, as if it could be your last. Give praise and celebrate bliss, and all your deepest desires will come true, once you forget about the destination and simply enjoy the ride.

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Bawdy Basics: More Than a Rub Down

Erotic massage may seem like a simple process – a little rub here, a bit of a squeeze there – and it certainly is a wonderful way to lead in to a romantic evening or some passionate lovemaking, but don’t be fooled: massage is a vast field of knowledge and skill!

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heart in the palms of couples in love

Love & Happiness: How Tantra Opens the Heart and Spreads the Love

“There is in a man an upwelling spring of life, energy, love, whatever you like to call it. If a course is not cut for it, it turns the ground round it into a swamp.”
- Mark Rutherford (William Hale White), More Pages from a Journal, 1910

With its focus on energy and the chakras, the heart gets a lot of attention in tantric practice – a place in the body to and from which energy can be sent, stored and mindfully transformed. Love is only one of the many emotions that radiate from the heart and understanding our emotions is the key to creating long-term love that lasts.

Emotions

How many different feeling words do you have in your vocabulary? Being able to talk about your emotions isn’t just important, but absolutely vital to a healthy relationship. If you only have two or three words to work with when trying to explain your feelings, you are going to struggle to be understood clearly. “Angry” can mean a lot of things to a lot of people – do you feel frustrated, annoyed, furious, anxious, hurt, tired, overworked, betrayed, ignored, or disregarded? Where is your anger coming from and how severe is it in relation to other similar feelings you’ve had in the past? Are you furious, very angry, or a little bit peeved? If you want to be able to talk about how you feel, it’s important that you qualify these emotions so your lover can get the clearest picture possible.

Most importantly, don’t just focus on expressing your emotions when you are upset or hurt! Your lover needs to hear you tell her when you are happy, hopeful, loving, excited, relieved, turned-on, impressed, ecstatic, amazed, trusting and optimistic. If you can’t talk about your positive emotions, she will assume that the only things you are feeling are the negative emotions you do express.

Affirmations

How often do you affirm your feelings and roles in your marriage? Aside from telling your wife that you love her (which you should be doing at least every day!), do you bless each other and take the opportunity to connect as friends, confidantes and lovers? If not, this is a daily ritual you should implement right away!

Look at your lover carefully every day as you come together, either first the in the morning if you will be spending the entire day together, or as soon as you and your lover come home at the end of your work day. Can you see in her face the traces of her day – worry or hope, exhaustion or excitement, frustration or relief? Kiss her gently as a friend first, showing her that you care about her feelings. Kiss her second as her confidante, someone she can come to for comfort and love whenever she needs. Finally, kiss her as a lover, holding her hands tightly and letting the passion flow between you.

Don’t just tell her that you love her – keep on going from there! Tell her she is a Goddess, she is beautiful; she is an inspiration and a wonder. Tell her how sexy she is and how hot she makes you, how seeing her body makes you feel. Encourage her to explore her sexuality by touching herself while you watch, allowing you to witness what really makes her feel good.

Communications

Figuring out just what to say can be really difficult, whether you have hard topics to discuss or only great praise to give! If those words just won’t come, try using this simple formula:

  1. When: tell your lover what exactly has happened to precipitate this emotion.
  2. Why: don’t focus on your emotions just yet, instead communicating to your lover what has been difficult for you as a result of the previously mentioned actions – exactly why are you feeling the emotions that you are experiencing?
  3. How: now it’s time to name your feelings – how do you really feel about what’s happening in your lives right now? Be specific as possible.
  4. What: if you are addressing something that has made you feel bad, is there something different that could have happened to make you feel better about the situation? What could your lover have said or done differently to change the situation? What could you have done differently to change the inevitable outcome?

Pay attention to things like your body language and your tone of voice – they should match your emotions as closely as possible, because so much of what you communicate comes through these non-verbal cues. If you say you are anxious or afraid, but you are yelling like you are furious, you will only confuse her. If you are explaining to your lover how proud and excited you are for her, but you are speaking in a low, quiet voice with your arms crossed around your chest, your message isn’t going to make it through.

Chemistry

Love Sciences 101: Alchemy, Chemistry and Physics

“The power of love to change bodies is legendary, built into folklore, common sense, and everyday experience.  Love moves the flesh, it pushes matter around…. Throughout history, ‘tender loving care’ has uniformly been recognized as a valuable element in healing.”
- Larry Dossey

The science of love is a strange discipline; rife with misinformation and hype, but people the world round have been seeking knowledge and wisdom in this field for thousands of years, perhaps since the dawn of mankind.

Every field of scientific study has taken a stab at understanding what makes our hearts tick and our loins enflamed. Have you ever taken the time to wonder about the forces behind your love and lust?

Sexual Alchemy

Alchemy has long been seen as a pseudoscience, but even the modern day chemists have now taken the quantum leap and admitted that we owe much of our interest and scientific theory to early alchemists, even if we are to believe that what they wanted was to turn lead into gold.

Another claim of historical alchemists is that they desired to find the secret to eternal life. Well, does that differ much from modern day scientists, really? The truth about alchemists is that what they ultimately sought was a way to turn that which seemed useless or nonfunctioning into something worthwhile. Wouldn’t you like to do the same for your relationship?

Alchemists, like their Buddhist and Hindu predecessors, saw the world as made up of inherently opposing forces, the union of the masculine and feminine being the ultimate chemical reaction. So, what exactly is going on in our body chemistry when male and female come together?

Good Chemistry

The chemistry of love can be broken down into three different stages over many years. Of course, not every relationship makes it to the final stage, but if you are here reading this, it’s safe to say that you probably have!

Stage one is lust, that physical pull that makes a man’s head turn and a woman’s body gyrate on the dance floor. The major sex hormones estrogen and testosterone are ultimately responsible for this dance, the push and pull that drive us to seek out sexual partners. Of course, these chemicals aren’t particularly discerning. Pretty much any hottie will do if the getting is good and the consequences are low. What happens when that first head-turn becomes a crush?

Attraction is the next stage of chemical love. Sometimes called New Relationship Energy or NRE, lack of appetite and trouble sleeping is characteristic of this kind of love. The chemicals responsible for this buzz are the pheromones dopamine, norepinephrine and serotonin which act as uppers to stimulate the brain and make everything more exciting! This happy-go-lucky love might only last a few months, but can take several years to wear off. So what happens when it finally fades?

Attachment is the final stage of love. When all the crazy-making chemicals finally finish production, you are left with oxytocin and vasopressin. These particular chemicals are different than in the previous two stages of love. Why, you ask?

They are unique because you don’t make them automatically just because you happen to be in a relationship, or because you might want to have sex sometime in the next few weeks. Nope, like some kind of silly physiological joke, in order to produce the chemicals that make you want to get close to your sweetie and cuddle up tight… you have to get close to your sweetie and cuddle up tight. Yes, that’s right. These are the same little molecules that help mothers bond with their babies and avoid post-partum depression, the same little things that cause an infant to feel the force of love for its mother when it first latches on to a breast. They can turn a light caress into an afternoon quickie and a midnight cuddle into an early morning romp! So what’s the moral of the story here? If sex is what you want, start slow and try holding her hand!

Forces of Physics

For thousands of years, humans have been searching for the key to perfect sexual union. The answer of course is that there’s no such thing, at least not universally. Lucky for us, our ancient Hindu friends have done much of the work for us in this field, mapping out every possible combination of body type, libido, foreplay technique, sexual positions and techniques for truly ecstatic union. Whether you are having trouble just getting to the point of sex in your relationship right now, or your sex is amazing and you just want to make it last even longer, now is the time to take up the tantric arts and become a master of your own sexual destiny. Take a deep breath, clear your mind and get ready for an erotic adventure you won’t soon forget!