Have you and your lover been trying to “achieve” female ejaculation for weeks or months, still to no avail? Would it surprise you to learn that perhaps the trying is what is holding you back?
The fact of the matter is that not all women are able to ejaculate, and even some that can ejaculate may not actually find the experience all that enjoyable. Of course, many women do enjoy g-spot stimulation and for those who still have yet to experience female ejaculation, there can be a tendency to get frustrated and start placing blame with negative self-talk.
It is in our modern nature to be “fixers” and to see life’s challenges and possibilities as obstacles to leap over or issues to work through, preferably as quickly as possible. But maybe the “problem” all comes down to thinking about her body as a problem!
Negative self-talk takes many forms and gets directed at all aspects of our lives. When things don’t go exactly the way we have imagined them in our often confused and cluttered brains, we tell ourselves that “something is wrong” or “there is a problem” and we set out to find a way to “fix” things, all the while getting more and more upset as time passes and we don’t find the answer.
Consider this – maybe there is no answer.
I’m not saying that there aren’t techniques to explore and experiences to enjoy that might make ejaculation easier… but what if I told you that the easiest and most important step to enjoying an elusive experience is to let go? Stop clinging to the outcome and enjoy the journey!
When we think about our sexual experiences as trophies we must fight for and problems we have to fix, we put our focus squarely on the desired outcome and forget to enjoy everything else on the way. We forget about the most important aspect of our sexual experiences… love.
There could be many things keeping your lover in a non-ejaculatory holding pattern, but the one I see the most in couples new to sexual exploration is a overwhelming need to please. If your wife is trying to ejaculate, either to please you or to “achieve” some kind of sexual goal, she loses her ability to stay present in the moments of pleasure that can lead up to a g-spot orgasm.
Of course there are the obvious mental blocks that many women have left over from their coming-of-age years: sexual shame, ideas about what is “proper” for a “lady” during sex, concerns about cleanliness associated with ideas about sex being “dirty”. Each of these mental blockages can be relieved only through presence of mind and exploration of the body. Placing more blame by identifying lack of female ejaculatory experience as a “problem” only serves to make these mental blocks more difficult to put in the past where they belong.
As I mentioned, not every female body is inherently capable of experiencing ejaculation. Scientists have discovered that the thicker the clitoral root where it lies between the “female prostate” (medically referred to as the Skene’s gland) and the vagina, the more likely a woman is to enjoy g-spot stimulation and experience ejaculatory orgasms.
Whether caused by genetics, nerve damage from a hysterectomy or a c-section, or simply atrophy from lack of use, building up this pleasurable nerve tissue does not happen over night! Doing kegels for a week is not going to show any significant signs of improvement. It could take years of practice to encourage the body to build up thicker clitoral tissue, increase sensitivity and experience an ejaculatory female orgasm. If you spend the entire time focusing solely on ejaculation as “the goal,” then you will likely get discouraged and give up sooner rather than later.
The spirit of sex is pleasure. If your sexual exploration is stressful, you lose sight of the true purpose behind this journey you have committed to take together – the sweet, sensual pleasures that come from enjoying your bodies as they are right now, not as you hope them to be in a week, or a month, or a year.
Be conscious of your bodies. Live in them wholly and fully. Breathe deeply. Eat healthy. Love freely with the boundless energy of two souls united as one. Enjoy every moment you spend together in sensual delights as if it is your first, as if it could be your last. Give praise and celebrate bliss, and all your deepest desires will come true, once you forget about the destination and simply enjoy the ride.