The fact of the matter is that not all women are able to ejaculate, and even some that can ejaculate may not actually find the experience all that enjoyable.  Of course, many women do enjoy g-spot stimulation and for those who still have yet to experience female ejaculation, there can be a tendency to get frustrated and start placing blame with negative self-talk.

It is in our modern nature to be “fixers” and to see life’s challenges and possibilities as obstacles to leap over or issues to work through, preferably as quickly as possible. But maybe the “problem” all comes down to thinking about her body as a problem!

Negative self-talk takes many forms and gets directed at all aspects of our lives. When things don’t go exactly the way we have imagined them in our often confused and cluttered brains, we tell ourselves that “something is wrong” or “there is a problem” and we set out to find a way to “fix” things, all the while getting more and more upset as time passes and we don’t find the answer.

Consider this – maybe there is no answer.

The Mind

I’m not saying that there aren’t techniques to explore and experiences to enjoy that might make ejaculation easier… but what if I told you that the easiest and most important step to enjoying an elusive experience is to let go? Stop clinging to the outcome and enjoy the journey!

When we think about our sexual experiences as trophies we must fight for and problems we have to fix, we put our focus squarely on the desired outcome and forget to enjoy everything else on the way. We forget about the most important aspect of our sexual experiences… love.

There could be many things keeping your lover in a non-ejaculatory holding pattern, but the one I see the most in couples new to sexual exploration is a overwhelming need to please. If your wife is trying to ejaculate, either to please you or to “achieve” some kind of sexual goal, she loses her ability to stay present in the moments of pleasure that can lead up to a g-spot orgasm.

Of course there are the obvious mental blocks that many women have left over from their coming-of-age years: sexual shame, ideas about what is “proper” for a “lady” during sex, concerns about cleanliness associated with ideas about sex being “dirty”. Each of these mental blockages can be relieved only through presence of mind and exploration of the body. Placing more blame by identifying lack of female ejaculatory experience as a “problem” only serves to make these mental blocks more difficult to put in the past where they belong.

The Body

As I mentioned, not every female body is inherently capable of experiencing ejaculation. Scientists have discovered that the thicker the clitoral root where it lies between the “female prostate” (medically referred to as the Skene’s gland) and the vagina, the more likely a woman is to enjoy g-spot stimulation and experience ejaculatory orgasms.

Whether caused by genetics, nerve damage from a hysterectomy or a c-section, or simply atrophy from lack of use, building up this pleasurable nerve tissue does not happen over night! Doing kegels for a week is not going to show any significant signs of improvement. It could take years of practice to encourage the body to build up thicker clitoral tissue, increase sensitivity and experience an ejaculatory female orgasm. If you spend the entire time focusing solely on ejaculation as “the goal,” then you will likely get discouraged and give up sooner rather than later.

The Soul

The spirit of sex is pleasure. If your sexual exploration is stressful, you lose sight of the true purpose behind this journey you have committed to take together – the sweet, sensual pleasures that come from enjoying your bodies as they are right now, not as you hope them to be in a week, or a month, or a year.

Be conscious of your bodies. Live in them wholly and fully. Breathe deeply. Eat healthy. Love freely with the boundless energy of two souls united as one. Enjoy every moment you spend together in sensual delights as if it is your first, as if it could be your last. Give praise and celebrate bliss, and all your deepest desires will come true, once you forget about the destination and simply enjoy the ride.

“There is in a man an upwelling spring of life, energy, love, whatever you like to call it. If a course is not cut for it, it turns the ground round it into a swamp.”
- Mark Rutherford (William Hale White), More Pages from a Journal, 1910

With its focus on energy and the chakras, the heart gets a lot of attention in tantric practice – a place in the body to and from which energy can be sent, stored and mindfully transformed. Love is only one of the many emotions that radiate from the heart and understanding our emotions is the key to creating long-term love that lasts.

Emotions

How many different feeling words do you have in your vocabulary? Being able to talk about your emotions isn’t just important, but absolutely vital to a healthy relationship. If you only have two or three words to work with when trying to explain your feelings, you are going to struggle to be understood clearly. “Angry” can mean a lot of things to a lot of people – do you feel frustrated, annoyed, furious, anxious, hurt, tired, overworked, betrayed, ignored, or disregarded? Where is your anger coming from and how severe is it in relation to other similar feelings you’ve had in the past? Are you furious, very angry, or a little bit peeved? If you want to be able to talk about how you feel, it’s important that you qualify these emotions so your lover can get the clearest picture possible.

Most importantly, don’t just focus on expressing your emotions when you are upset or hurt! Your lover needs to hear you tell her when you are happy, hopeful, loving, excited, relieved, turned-on, impressed, ecstatic, amazed, trusting and optimistic. If you can’t talk about your positive emotions, she will assume that the only things you are feeling are the negative emotions you do express.

Affirmations

How often do you affirm your feelings and roles in your marriage? Aside from telling your wife that you love her (which you should be doing at least every day!), do you bless each other and take the opportunity to connect as friends, confidantes and lovers? If not, this is a daily ritual you should implement right away!

Look at your lover carefully every day as you come together, either first the in the morning if you will be spending the entire day together, or as soon as you and your lover come home at the end of your work day. Can you see in her face the traces of her day – worry or hope, exhaustion or excitement, frustration or relief? Kiss her gently as a friend first, showing her that you care about her feelings. Kiss her second as her confidante, someone she can come to for comfort and love whenever she needs. Finally, kiss her as a lover, holding her hands tightly and letting the passion flow between you.

Don’t just tell her that you love her – keep on going from there! Tell her she is a Goddess, she is beautiful; she is an inspiration and a wonder. Tell her how sexy she is and how hot she makes you, how seeing her body makes you feel. Encourage her to explore her sexuality by touching herself while you watch, allowing you to witness what really makes her feel good.

Communications

Figuring out just what to say can be really difficult, whether you have hard topics to discuss or only great praise to give! If those words just won’t come, try using this simple formula:

1. When: tell your lover what exactly has happened to precipitate this emotion.
2. Why: don’t focus on your emotions just yet, instead communicating to your lover what has been difficult for you as a result of the previously mentioned actions – exactly why are you feeling the emotions that you are experiencing?
3. How: now it’s time to name your feelings – how do you really feel about what’s happening in your lives right now? Be specific as possible.
4. What: if you are addressing something that has made you feel bad, is there something different that could have happened to make you feel better about the situation? What could your lover have said or done differently to change the situation? What could you have done differently to change the inevitable outcome?

Pay attention to things like your body language and your tone of voice – they should match your emotions as closely as possible, because so much of what you communicate comes through these non-verbal cues. If you say you are anxious or afraid, but you are yelling like you are furious, you will only confuse her. If you are explaining to your lover how proud and excited you are for her, but you are speaking in a low, quiet voice with your arms crossed around your chest, your message isn’t going to make it through.

“The most important thing in communication is hearing what isn’t being said.”
- Author Unknown

Communicate skills are almost always the focus when couple’s seek professional counseling and are by far the best way to facilitate a more harmonious relationship and a loving, happy home. It can be incredibly difficult though to make this happen, as the voice carries in it so many emotions, both good and bad. How often do you find yourself shouting during a discussion without even realizing it? It happens to the best of us, which is why tantric teachers tell us that the throat is the body’s place of purification, where we get to decide whether we use our energy to hurt or to heal.

Loosen Up

The first step to proper communication is to get your negative emotions out of your systems – alone. You can’t have a loving, caring, productive conversation with your wife if you are too distracted by your own emotions to pay attention to hers. Whether you need to let the emotions drain away gently or you need to force them out violently, it needs to be done before you try to engage with anyone else.

Don’t let your anger, jealousy, pain or upset get the best of you. Go for a long walk or a vigorous run, take a long hot shower or a relaxing bath, listen to some angry music or put on some frenzied tunes and dance your heart out. If you are feeling aggressive in your anger then head to the gym and go a few rounds with a punching bag, take up a martial arts class, go chop some wood, smack a piñata (and save some of the candy for your lover!) or just drive out to the middle of nowhere and scream at the top of your lungs. All of these things are better than slamming doors, shouting at your partner or putting your fist through a wall, right?

Listen Up

The fine art of “active listening” can be divided into two different kinds – silent and spoken. It is incredibly important to learn the practice of silent listening first before you say anything in response to your lover. Start with an egg-timer set to one minute and try to work your way up to five. In this exercise, each of you will get the chance to speak… but one at a time. Do not interrupt, not even to try and express that you understand, or to ask clarifying questions. You will have your turn soon enough.

Just sit back, relax and focus on your wife’s every word. Sit still without fidgeting, maintain eye contact and nod when you understand what she is saying. Learn the fine art of communication through body language before you start working with words. Watch her body as she speaks to you. Does she sit up straight and confident, or hunch over with shame or fear? Does she speak clearly with conviction or does she mumble, perhaps a bit confused or unsure? Is her heart chakra open and accepting to your love and opinion, or does she close herself off by crossing her arms or turning her face away. Is she relaxed or tense, loud or quiet, soft and accepting or hard and defensive? Is she very sensitive about the topic at hand, annoyed, angry, sad, scared, frustrated, or excited? You can tell all these things just by looking closely at her body and listening to the tone of her voice.

Let Up

When it comes time to speak, active listening dictates that you ease up – it’s not about speaking your own mind, or voicing your opinion, or giving advice. You will have your chance to speak your piece when it’s your turn, but for now all you should concern yourself with is understanding the words your wife is saying. As she speaks, encourage her to go on by nodding your head and making words of acknowledgement. If she says something you don’t understand, take the chance to clarify. After she has finished making one point, repeat back to her what you believe she has communicated to you without judgment or interjecting your own opinion into the matter. Reword her thoughts into your own words and give her the chance to confirm or allow her to explain again if you haven’t quite grasped it. It may take a few tries to get it right!