What Are Aphrodisiacs?

The basic quality of an aphrodisiac is its ability to create desire. By definition, chemicals like Viagra, which are designed to improve performance, are not aphrodisiacs. If you have ever taken an “erectile dysfunction” medicine, medically prescribed or otherwise, you will know that it is possible to imbibe and not actually get an erection. Just because your body is capable of sustained arousal doesn’t automatically make you aroused!

The chemical reaction that makes aphrodisiacs effective ultimately involves our hormonal systems, in particular testosterone – for both men and women. When the limbic love of the brain receives signals from the pelvic region that indicate arousal, the signals respond and tell the blood vessels to dilate, which creates erect tissue, no matter your gender. The vessels quickly close, locking that blood inside the enflamed tissue, which first causes feelings of arousal, but left as such can eventually lead to discomfort (also known as “blue balls” in men).

As the physical signs of arousal begin to display, the heart rate rises and the brain begins to release a cocktail of neurotransmitters to prepare our body for pleasure, primarily the love-inducing norepinephrine and dopamine. Lack of testosterone in the body can lead to lack of interest, which means the entire process of arousal stagnates before it can even begin.

How Aphrodisiacs Work

There are a number of factors when it comes to the ability of the body to assimilate aphrodisiacs into arousal. While some aphrodisiacs do have the ability to change body chemistry for the facilitation of arousal, others merely stimulate the senses into a natural sense of lust, and still others work simply because of what medical science calls “the placebo effect” having no scientifically proven value. Of course, if something is safe to use, and works to get your engines running, does it matter whether or not science can prove why it works?

Choosing an Aphrodisiac

Foods chosen for their appearance, like the phallic bananas, which are also high in potassium and B vitamins necessary for hormone production, and avocados, called the “testicle tree” by the Aztecs because of the way they grow in pairs, are associated with sex primarily because of how much they look like sex organs! Even oysters, thought to have aphrodisiac properties because of their high levels of zinc, D-aspartic acid and NMDA compounds which aid in the release of sex hormones, are known as sexy food primarily because of the resemblance they share with the inner labia lips. Cucumbers, obviously phallic, are believed so stimulate a woman’s vaginal blood flow through their scent.

Sensual foods like chocolate and honey are known to include sex-enhancing compounds, and spicy foods like ginger and chili peppers can really get the blood flowing. Eating foods that are healthy, natural and as unprocessed as possible is a key factor in improving hormonal health as well. Basil has been known for centuries to stimulate the sexual senses, along with herbs like cardamom, anise seed, vanilla, cinnamon, garlic, fennel, ginseng, and nutmeg.

In addition to foods that have been proven to work as aphrodisiacs, or thought to by ancients, because of their shape or their contents, there are many foods that stimulate sexual desire because they make us feel at home. The scent of pumpkin pie, cheese pizza, buttered popcorn, licorice, and lavender have been shown to have positive effects on arousal – some for men and some for women, though both loved the fresh-baked pie scent and the relaxing aroma of lavender.

What About Pheremones?

The word pheromone comes from the combination of two Greek concepts: pherein which means “excitement” and hormone which literally means “carrier” – pheromones are the “excitement carriers” of the body.

These compounds found in sweat and other bodily fluids exist for the sole purpose of attraction, identifying ones genetic makeup to potential mates on the lookout for someone who’s DNA is different enough, yet compatible with their own.

Not all people have been known to posses the “vomeronasal organ” (VNO) responsible for detecting what are thought to be “odorless” chemicals, but how often has your lover told you how good you smell, or buried her head in your pillow on a lonely day, even though you wear no cologne?

It is possible to buy human pheromones from sex toy retailers, but the arousal from such an application is not only short-lived, but it may be false… and you may end up intriguing more than just your partner! Your best bet is to alter your lifestyle and increase your intake of natural aphrodisiacs, which will lead to a cleaner, sexier pheromone profile without breaking the bank.

The fact of the matter is that not all women are able to ejaculate, and even some that can ejaculate may not actually find the experience all that enjoyable.  Of course, many women do enjoy g-spot stimulation and for those who still have yet to experience female ejaculation, there can be a tendency to get frustrated and start placing blame with negative self-talk.

It is in our modern nature to be “fixers” and to see life’s challenges and possibilities as obstacles to leap over or issues to work through, preferably as quickly as possible. But maybe the “problem” all comes down to thinking about her body as a problem!

Negative self-talk takes many forms and gets directed at all aspects of our lives. When things don’t go exactly the way we have imagined them in our often confused and cluttered brains, we tell ourselves that “something is wrong” or “there is a problem” and we set out to find a way to “fix” things, all the while getting more and more upset as time passes and we don’t find the answer.

Consider this – maybe there is no answer.

The Mind

I’m not saying that there aren’t techniques to explore and experiences to enjoy that might make ejaculation easier… but what if I told you that the easiest and most important step to enjoying an elusive experience is to let go? Stop clinging to the outcome and enjoy the journey!

When we think about our sexual experiences as trophies we must fight for and problems we have to fix, we put our focus squarely on the desired outcome and forget to enjoy everything else on the way. We forget about the most important aspect of our sexual experiences… love.

There could be many things keeping your lover in a non-ejaculatory holding pattern, but the one I see the most in couples new to sexual exploration is a overwhelming need to please. If your wife is trying to ejaculate, either to please you or to “achieve” some kind of sexual goal, she loses her ability to stay present in the moments of pleasure that can lead up to a g-spot orgasm.

Of course there are the obvious mental blocks that many women have left over from their coming-of-age years: sexual shame, ideas about what is “proper” for a “lady” during sex, concerns about cleanliness associated with ideas about sex being “dirty”. Each of these mental blockages can be relieved only through presence of mind and exploration of the body. Placing more blame by identifying lack of female ejaculatory experience as a “problem” only serves to make these mental blocks more difficult to put in the past where they belong.

The Body

As I mentioned, not every female body is inherently capable of experiencing ejaculation. Scientists have discovered that the thicker the clitoral root where it lies between the “female prostate” (medically referred to as the Skene’s gland) and the vagina, the more likely a woman is to enjoy g-spot stimulation and experience ejaculatory orgasms.

Whether caused by genetics, nerve damage from a hysterectomy or a c-section, or simply atrophy from lack of use, building up this pleasurable nerve tissue does not happen over night! Doing kegels for a week is not going to show any significant signs of improvement. It could take years of practice to encourage the body to build up thicker clitoral tissue, increase sensitivity and experience an ejaculatory female orgasm. If you spend the entire time focusing solely on ejaculation as “the goal,” then you will likely get discouraged and give up sooner rather than later.

The Soul

The spirit of sex is pleasure. If your sexual exploration is stressful, you lose sight of the true purpose behind this journey you have committed to take together – the sweet, sensual pleasures that come from enjoying your bodies as they are right now, not as you hope them to be in a week, or a month, or a year.

Be conscious of your bodies. Live in them wholly and fully. Breathe deeply. Eat healthy. Love freely with the boundless energy of two souls united as one. Enjoy every moment you spend together in sensual delights as if it is your first, as if it could be your last. Give praise and celebrate bliss, and all your deepest desires will come true, once you forget about the destination and simply enjoy the ride.

If you have ever thought about enjoying a new position, but were scared to try for fear of hurting yourself; if you have ever had to stop sex without an orgasm, or shift positions to accommodate muscle cramps; if your stamina isn’t where you want it to be, or if your wife wants to lose weight or firm up some muscles before she’ll feel completely comfortable being on top… and have the strength to really enjoy it… read on!

The Skinny and Fat of It

No matter what, the amount of fat on your body will always be determined by what you eat. You can tweak by building muscle, or doing cardio exercise, but ultimately it is quality food that makes a quality body. Stop drinking your calories. Eat plenty of healthy, organic protein like pastured animal products and sprouted seeds and legumes. Get plenty of good dietary fat from natural sources like butter, olives, avocado, and coconut. Eat lots of green vegetables and some starchy ones too. Try to get as many colors as possible! Avoid grains as much as you can, especially if you find yourself sensitive to their inflammatory properties. Stay away from added sugars and processed foods. Be mindful of what you eat and grateful for your sustenance.

If you find yourself faltering, just pick back up and get into the habit of making healthy choices again. Think about all the ways that excess fat gets in the way of having a fully satisfying sex life, whether the problems you have are self esteem, or if it just makes it harder to have the kind of sex romp you truly desire. Don’t pressure your partner to go along with your changes, but do give support where support is wanted and show yourself off as an example of hard work and dedication.

The Strong Man

When it comes to actually gaining strength and flexibility, you’ll have to do some work. Don’t get into chronic cardio and overdo it. Skip the run and hit the weights. When your wife feels like getting a six pack of her own, she can lift heavy too! Don’t let her fall into the trap of fearing “bulk” – muscles don’t happen overnight. Remind her how much more fun she’ll have if her legs aren’t giving out when she’s riding you.

The Push

Push exercises work the traps (upper back between the neck and shoulders), the deltoids (shoulder), the triceps (in the back of the upper arms), the pectorals (chest) and the core muscles, which include the entire abdomen and lower back. You use these muscles when you are on top, propping yourself up on your arms. Push-ups are the most common exercise in this category, but there are dozens.

The Pull

This group of movements works the flexor and extensor muscles of the forearms, as well as the biceps (upper arms) and the lats (back). Chin-ups and pull-ups are common, along with curls. Modifications can easily be made to suit those who can’t quite do a full bodyweight pull-up straight out of the gate. You use these muscles in the bedroom anytime you are helping to support her weight, whether she is on top, or you’re holding her hips up off the bed, or going at it standing up!

Below the Belt

Lower body workouts are designed to work the glutes (butt and hips), quads (front of the thighs), hamstrings (rear thighs) and calves. It is especially important when doing squats and other similar exercises to be mindful of your form. In all strength exercise, form is of the utmost importance to avoid injury and maximize performance. Any kneeling, squatting, or standing positions are going to involve using these muscles both to support yourself and to thrust.

The Stretch

Stretching does not take a long time, so don’t skip it. Try doing some yoga in the morning and before bed, like the Sun and Moon Salutations. Don’t forget to warm up your body with a bit of low intensity cardio and some spot-specific stretches before any kind of workout. Most importantly, don’t overdo it. If you want to actually enjoy your strength gains in the bedroom, you’re going to need a day or two off!

What is the first thing that comes to mind when you think about going down on your lover? For most men, the answer is going to be all about the sensual experience – the smell and the taste. So many of the euphemisms we have for cunnilingus come from the incredible bouquet of aromas that a woman’s nether regions can create.

Like any of the flavors and odors that the human body produces, vaginal fluid is an exquisite example of internal body chemistry – the healthier your body, the better you will smell and taste. The same is true for women, so there are some things you can do to change your lifestyle and encourage more enjoyable oral for everyone!

The most important indicator of overall health that can be readily senses is pH level – acidity or alkalinity. The balance of pH differs in specific areas of the body – for example, while the skin tends to hover around a pH of 6 or 7, the pH of a healthy vagina hovers between 3.8 and 4.5, close to the pH of black coffee, which comes in at 5, but even closer to another sensual treat, red wine.

When the pH balance of a person’s body changes, it can quickly be perceived by a shift in odor and flavor of bodily secretions and fluids like sweat, vaginal lubrication, and both male and female ejaculate. Overzealous cleansing like douching or using harsh soap can upset pH balance, and the even more likely offender is you semen, which is known to change the balance of pH in the vagina on contact.

What the pH?

So how can you go about changing the pH in your body? Ultimately it all comes down to your daily diet. If you eat a lot of grains, vegetable oils, and processed foods, and not nearly enough fruits and vegetables, it is likely that your body is having a difficult time keeping up with all the backload of toxins and sugars in your bloodstream. Eat a clean, organic diet full of colorful fruits and vegetables. Tropical fruits and well known for their ability to sweeten the body, especially the sexual fluids – who doesn’t want to taste a little bit like pineapple?

Keep in mind that when it comes to oral sex, the state of your mouth is as important as the place you’re putting it! The average human mouth contains way more foul bacteria than the average human genitals, so be sure to keep yourself clean. Brush and floss regularly, but not right before going down. Small cuts or abrasions on the gum line can increase the chances of infections and other unpleasantness. Do use mouthwash and water to rinse.

Keep in mind that anything that goes in your mouth will affect your taste and smell, including any food and drink, over the counter and prescription medication, gum and breath mints, cigarettes and alcohol. This is especially true if you have facial hair – be conscious of how your food, drink, smoke, etc. makes your beard smell. You may not notice it, but if you find your partner shying away from your kisses or making faces when you’re not paying enough attention, it may be time to invest in a yummy scented beard soap!

On the Menu

If there is something irking you about your lover’s taste, bringing it up can be a problem. If getting healthy will solve the problem, just go ahead and do it for the sake of getting healthy, and enjoy delicious oral as a side benefit. If you think there may be something else causing the problem – a yeast infection or other imbalance, meditation or other habits, be gentle when you bring it up. Talk about the problem and present her taste as one of many things that can motivate her to give up a bad habit. Use facts, not feelings in this case. Encourage her to make changes for her health, and be sure to ask for feedback yourself. She will feel much more comfortable hearing that there are changes you can both make in order to enjoy sex more if she knows that you care about how you taste as much as you care about how she does.

Whatever you do, don’t take oral off the menu. Ultimatums are not helpful. Your partner will want to hear that you are willing to work with her and help experiment, give her feedback, and enjoy yourselves along the way to making sex a tastier treat.

When it comes right down to it, the modern conveniences and luxuries we lust after in our day to day lives are often not very conducive to a healthy, active sex life. If you struggle to gain or maintain an erection, it might not have anything at all to do with sex! Can you believe it?

Feeling Hormonal

Not surprisingly, sex hormones (testosterone, estrogen, progesterone) play a pivotal role in both arousal and fertility. Low testosterone in men is shown to be detrimental to a healthy libido – if you struggle to get it up or get it on, it’s worth a look into your health habits and hormones. What you could possibly be doing that would be harmful to your hormones?

1. Diet: diabetes, obesity, metabolic syndrome, malnutrition – any combination of these factors can completely destroy the well-meaning man. Before you head out to buy the next latest diet craze book, take an assessment of your day-to-day eating. Do you eat lots of fruits and vegetables? Are you getting health protein and fat in your diet, or is the meat and dairy you eat full of synthetic estrogenic hormones? Don’t be afraid of fat – full fat dairy has been shown to increase fertility. Clean saturated fats and essential fatty acids are, well, essential!
2. Exercise: we all know that an active lifestyle is an integral part of overall health, especially as it relates to avoiding obesity and other conditions known to be harmful to sexual health. You don’t have to turn into a marathon runner, but getting out on a long hike, or playing a round of ultimate frisby with your lover, not only encourages physical fitness but gets the two of you out into the world doing something together. Playing and enjoying nature together builds the kind of intimacy that leads to great sex.
3. Stress: Not only does chronic stress exacerbate negative health conditions by depleting physical energy and aggravating your adrenal glands, but the mental exhaustion that comes from constantly worrying about your ability to perform only proves to make the situation worse. Right now, stop. Stop thinking about your erection, stop worrying about your ejaculation. Put it completely out of your mind. For the next week, worry only about enjoying the time you and your lover spend together. Touch and cuddle, go for long walks, eat candlelight dinners together. In fact, eat a candlelit dinner every night! Studies have shown that staying up late, especially with artificial lighting and electronic screens, can be incredibly harmful to regular sleep. If you aren’t giving your body the rest it needs, your body won’t co-operate when it comes time to do all the active things you enjoy.
4. Medication: Many pharmaceuticals have serious side effects when it comes to libido and sexual function. I’m certainly not recommending you chuck all your medicine in the garbage, but if there are ways for you to manage your health naturally, you should be looking in to them right now. Changing your diet is the biggest step you will take to changing your health for the better, not just to get you off meds for blood-pressure, cholesterol, or diabetes, but to help manage anxiety, depression, and many other mood disorders. Stop looking for the quick fix and start approaching your life from a holistic and well-rounded point of view. Engage the support of your lover – if she knows you are changing yourself to make your sex life better, she’ll be eager to help any way she can!
5. Chemicals: You may be unaware that there are hundreds, perhaps thousands of chemicals in your home right now that could be hurting your sexual health, and your wife’s. Plastics, pesticides, fragrances, and every day body products are typically full of petrochemical byproducts which leech xenoestrogens (fake, plastic estrogen chemicals) into your food and water. Replace your plastics with wood, ceramic, metal, and silicone. Stop drinking bottled water. Use natural, organic, homemade body products. Ensure that your sex toys and lubricants are safe and phthalate free. If it has that “new plastic smell” when you open the package, it is full of estrogens just waiting to mess you up.

All this may seem overwhelming, but the sooner you address your bad health habits, the sooner you can end the distress caused by lack of sex drive, erectile dysfunction, and premature ejaculation. They used to say that “it’s all in your head” but you can take it from me – your head is attached to a body, and that body needs your attention. Take care of it, so it can take care of you!