Orgasm – that one word can bring feelings of immense pleasure to those who come by them easily, but it often only strikes fear and desperate anxiety in the hearts of anorgasmic women who spend their time and energy trying to “fix” a part of them perceived to be “broken” and unable to achieve something seen as necessary to the female experience.
Scientific research has shown us that somewhere between 10% and 15% of women report never experiencing orgasm, with a partner or during masturbation. There are a few theories about what may be the cause of this so-called anomaly. It is hypothesized that there may be some genetic and physical basis, and it is also suggested that without actual MRIs, it can’t be proven that anorgasmic women aren’t experiencing orgasm. They may in fact be having orgasmic experiences that are mild in comparison to our televised ideal, and just don’t realize it!
Ultimately, however, no matter the cause for anorgasmia, the culture in which we live and the ideas we grow up on shape us into a culture which idealizes orgasm as the epitome of good sex, discarding everything else as just not good enough.
Sex as Commodity
We often view sex as something that takes away from her value as a human, and that somehow the younger and less experienced a woman is, the more valuable the sex is. Furthermore, the commodity model suggests that if a woman doesn’t experience an orgasm, something is wrong with either her or her partner, that the sexual experience is less valuable without the payoff of orgasm. Sex is then seen as a transaction, where a woman gives up something of her own self-worth in exchange for the pleasure of orgasm, and a man works to give her said orgasm in exchange for the payoff of his own pleasure.
The problem with this model, of course, is that no one actually loses anything from the act of sex. The experience of sex, with or without an orgasm, leads to improvement in just about every aspect of daily life – mental, physical, emotional and even spiritual health.
Sex as Performance
When I use the word “performance” you might feel judged immediately. Most men learn early on that when it comes to sex, your “performance” refers to how good you are at “giving” orgasms. Of course, this language brings us right back to the idea of orgasm as a thing, rather than an experience. Only in the English language to we equate our physical experiences with who we are (“I am hungry, cold, thirsty, lonely, stressed or horny”) and things we have (“I had an orgasm, a headache, or a cold.”) Our languages isn’t particularly designed to talk about experiences as they are – events that occur based on actions we do, or don’t, as the case may be.
So what does this teach us about how to approach sex and orgasm?
Try for a moment to think about sex as an art, like a musical performance, and the body as an instrument. A young and inexperienced musician, while perhaps heartening and exciting, can’t possibly compare to a musician with years of experience and dozens of performances under her belt! Rather than losing value with each experience, the artist is valued because of her experiences, because of her ability to improve her skills and her depth of appreciation for the art with every note.
With this model, a woman with sexual experience, who has learned her instrument inside and out, is valued as a skilled performer. More than this, the artist is appreciated and the art enjoyed whether the symphony ends in a loud, energetic climax… or a slow, sensual fade off into silence. Discarding sex without orgasm as invaluable and “not good enough” is like walking out of a romantic comedy because there weren’t enough explosions!
Give Up On Orgasm?
Does adopting a performance model for your sexual exploration mean resigning your wife and yourself to a life without female orgasm? Certainly not! No more than agreeing to go to a romantic comedy for date night means giving up action movies forever. Sure, your wife may not enjoy action movies as much as love stories that make her laugh, but that doesn’t mean she will never see an action movie she likes, does it?
All it means is that both of you can relax, stop worrying so much about getting all the “explosions” perfect, and instead focus on the incredible intricacies of sensational experience that the human instrument can enjoy. Relax, forget about orgasm for a while, and instead take your time just feeling good together!
