“Problems in relationship occur because each person is concentrating on what is missing in the other person”- Wayne Dyer
So you’re having problems in your relationship. It’s a tough one, I know. What I also know is that they can be fixed. With a few couple savvy tricks, you will be able to overcome them and enjoy a peaceful and rewarding relationship.
Before telling you what exactly you should be doing, it’s important that you find out the type of your problematic relationship. There are four major types, and they are all described in minute detail bellow.
See which one is yours and what you should do to better solve the problems you are facing.
1. Battle of the innocents. You are both inexperienced and wrapped up in your little ideal world, unaware of what’s happening outside. You love each other and think that this is enough for your relationship to flourish. You rarely talk about the things that don’t work out so good between you, convinced that your strong bond is going to fix everything without you even bothering to take a stand. In reality though, things are not so pink and joyful. You do have inconsistencies, but you don’t acknowledge them either to your own selves, or to one another. The problem with this scenario is that when it does come the time to face your problems, the disillusionment is greater and the spell is broken in more pieces than necessary. This type of relationship, sort of exclusivist- we against the world- thing, is very dangerous, because when it breaks down, it leaves deep, rooted marks.
What to do to fix it: Stop idealizing your love life and start being true to yourself and to what you really feel. So what it’s not perfect? It’s not the end of a relationship. The late Kurt Cobain used to say that he’s rather “be hated for what he is than be loved for what he is not.” It’s the same here: it’s better to set things straight and accept that not everything is as idyllic as in your little bubble of happiness.
2. Idol and admirer. Another type of relationship that can signal trouble is the one between a “superstar” and its respective “idol”. The scenario is fairly common: one of you is the center of attention, has a bubbly, excessively special personality, while the other one is its more humble counterpart. Let’s say you are in the admirer position. Your girlfriend has a great career, lots of friends, a great character and numerous other positive traits which usually ensure her stealing the spotlight every time the two of you are together. Your life is not as sparkling and eccentric as hers, and you are grateful to hang around her, the popular, much adored and glamorous girl. The problem with this is that, at the end of the day, you might start to feel a little insecure, a little vulnerable.
What to do to fix it: If you are in the admirer position, acknowledge that your partner is just a human being, and that you are both equal when it comes to your positions within the relationship. If you are in the idol position, let your partner know, from time to time, that she is your idol too, and that her qualities impress you more than anything.
3. Cat and dog. You should be able to recognize this one, because it is the most common relationship type I have seen so far in my years as a sex therapist. It’s simple: the base of your relationship is your constant fighting and bickering. You go at each other from small things, like where to go out on a Saturday night or where to spend the summer holidays. Your fighting is never serious enough to end the relationship, but you are slowly cracking its base, getting further and further away from each other. You are always feeling that you’re on the verge of breaking up, of ending this indefinite cycle of contradictory feelings, but when the time comes, you’re too afraid to do it and you accept thing as they are.
What to do to fix it: Sit down with your partner and have a long and peaceful (!) chat. It’s time for the two of you to get to the bottom of all your constant bickering. Why does she feel the need to raise her voice at you? Why do you get angry when she forgets to wake you up? Find out what is really bothering you and work together to clear everything out.
4. Master and slave. Power struggles! Tough to end them, tough to live with them. In this type of relationship, one of the members has a palpable influence over the other (be it financial or emotional). The other knows it, but accepts it. The problem with it is that, as in the case of the idol and admirer relationship type, there comes a point when the “slave” says “enough” and walks out of the relationship. Let’s say that in this scenario you are the master and your girlfriend is the slave. You are the mature, self assured, powerful individual and she’s your little apprentice and student. You might find this position comfortable and even rewarding, but she’s not. She’s struggling between the need to leave the relationship and the desire to stay, because of the comfort of being taken care of.
What to do to fix it: Most of the times, the person being in the master position doesn’t even realizes it. You might think you are helping her by always offering advice and support, and you might not be aware of the fact that she’s feeling controlled. If in the midst of fighting she says things like, “you’re always trying to tell me what to do”, or “I’m not at your mercy, I have my own life”, tell her about what you read here and assure her about your honest intentions to make her feel better in her own skin.
Have a sweet and sensual week,
P.S. Show this list to your girlfriend and see which type she thinks your relationship falls into. You might be surprised by her answer!