Long-term relationships bring all sorts of advantages: a shared history, a partner who you know you can always trust, and a warm and satisfying sexual connection that can only come from years of intimacy. Still, as great as it is to know each other so well in bed, how could you not miss that crackle and spark you had when you and she first started having sex? Thing is, it doesn’t take a lot of work to recapture that “just-met” excitement.
Create a little distance
Best friends, partners, soul mates – it’s what many couples strive to be. But while that kind of emotional melding feels warm and secure, it’s not always sexy. The very thing that love thrives on – familiarity, stability, and security – can kill passion and lust in a relationship. For desire to thrive, you need to maintain some of the elusiveness and independence you had when you were first together – if you’re too available to your partner, too open to each other, you lose that edge. That’s why, for the sake of your sex life, it’s a good idea to make some space. A little bit of distance and separation, both physical and emotional, can actually fuel sexual excitement because it sets up a thrill-of-the-chase kind of dynamic, similar to what you had when you were first dating. When you perceive a gap between you and your partner, you subconsciously feel challenged. And that perceived “obstacle” can actually increase your desire for each other.
Rediscover each other
It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that sex with a new partner is thrilling largely because it’s, well, new. What makes just-met sex so exciting is that sense of the unknown and the anticipation of what might happen. You’re still discovering each other’s bodies, finding new ways to turn each other on, and testing new waters. So in order to recapture that just-met sizzle, you have to snap out of the same-old sex routine. A classic way to reboot your sexual relationship is to go away on a sex vacation. And if you can’t do that, taking a trip down memory lane can bring back some of that new-relationship excitement. Consider reenacting your first sexual encounter, maybe even returning to the scene of the “crime”. Reliving that first introduction can give you both emotional and sexual recall. It can transport you to that moment – the butterfly feelings, the sexual buzz. And the sense that you’re “strangers” can make the encounter feel illicit and naughty as well. Think about what turned you on then and use that in your sex life now. Was it her smell? Having sex in the middle of the day? Showering together? Getting it on in the car? Although you may have been there, done that five years ago, re-creating those same naughty encounters will bring you back to the beginning. And focus on sexual activities that help you rediscover each other’s bodies, making them new again. One suggestion: Blindfold yourselves and take turns lightly kissing each other’s bodies or stroking your partner’s skin with your fingertips. You may be surprised by how much you might have been missing all this time.
Shock your system
Ah, the first flush of new love. The permanent smile plastered on your face, that tingling below the belt, the goose bumps you got when she touched you. Thank you, hormones! The novelty and excitement of a new sexual partner triggers the production of dopamine and norepinephrine, neurotransmitters that are responsible for that love high. They also increase your sex drive. As the newness wears off, though, all of those chemicals start to decline, making you less amped up romantically and sexually. Here’s the good news: You can actually trick your hormones into giving you that new-love feeling again. Any kind of adrenaline boosting activity, in the bedroom or out, drives up dopamine levels in the brain, bringing back some of that same heady excitement you had when you first met. So try something daring together, whether it’s mountain biking, kickboxing, dancing or even seeing a thriller or horror movie. A high-octane endeavor is in itself an aphrodisiac, and it can help you rekindle some of that nervous excitement and stomach flip-flopping that you may have felt on your first few dates together. Doing daring things in bed is another way to plug into that fear factor. Consider exploring something unexpected and a little scary for you sexually, whether it’s kinky sex or doggy-style anal. Stepping out of your comfort zone will give you a rush of I can’t believe I’m doing this, which can be equally adrenaline-boosting.
P.S. For more suggestion on how to be creative between the sheets, check out my program: Passionate Positions. You’ll find there variations so steamy you’ll want to practice all night (and the following day too!)