“Civilized people cannot fully satisfy their sexual instinct without love” – Bertrand Russell
Who doesn’t want to be one of those couples who have such unreal amounts of chemistry, the air practically shimmers around them? Experts say that with enough lust and trust, we can all have it, or at least come close.
Maybe you’ve already experienced a gripping, all consuming, complete-each-other relationship at some point in your life. Wherever you went – to a bar, to the movies, to the grocery store – it felt as if you and your girl were the only people there. Like the world was so as-it-should-be when you were together that it practically stopped turning when you parted ways. Experts refer to that supercharged, almost electric phenomenon as consummate, epic love. It’s like the holy grail of love: a perfect blend of passion, intimacy and commitment. Not only are the partners best friends who connect with each other on a very deep emotional level, but they also can’t keep their hands off each other – so the sex is mind blowing. Not surprisingly, this love of all loves is hard to find and hard to maintain. But it is possible. More good news: it’s also possible to transform a comfortable relationship into the crazy-connected kind, if you’re willing to take a few risks.
It starts with lust
Without exception, all epic loves start with a massive dose of lust – when you meet someone and, the second you lock eyes, your thighs go up in flames. According to experts, that amped-up sexual pull isn’t a product of your imagination – it’s rooted in biology. When you’re instantly attracted to someone, your body actually produces a surge of the sex hormones estrogen and testosterone, meaning you’re physiologically more turned on. But that’s just the beginning. Truly epic love takes longer than that to develop. Experts agree that you need at least three months to move beyond infatuation to true love. The first month is filled with lust. During the second month, you discover your partner’s deeper qualities and interests. If you have some shared ones, you could be on your way to epic. But the more significant qualifier goes beyond physical lust and common interests: it’s when your values mirror each other’s. Epic love can’t ever come from a genuine, authentic place faster than three months. To connect fully with someone on the most intimate level, you have to trust their values – and you just can’t do that until you’ve known them for a long enough period of time. If someone is laying out their core values to you right at the beginning of a relationship, it’s likely not coming from a genuine place, and that’s a big red flag. But if each passing month and each new revelation about how you both think and feel brings you closer together, you’re well into epic territory.
Why epic love can be so explosive
Johnny Depp and Winona Ryder, J.Lo and Ben Affleck, Heidi Klum and Seal… there’s an integral aspect of epic love that makes it especially apt to go up in flames: the power dynamic is completely equal – both parties know that they have found their match. There is no sense that anyone has settled or that anyone could do any better. But as a result of being so perfectly matched, neither partner gives in easily – so when epic lovers butt heads, it can lead to epic, destructive arguments. Ironically, the passion that fuels their attraction is the same passion that fuels their fights. Some couples survive and even thrive on this intense push-pull because they’re able to compromise, but others don’t. For them, a never-ending tug-of-war over minor differences ends up tearing them apart. In order for an over-the-top love affair to last, both people have to be willing to curb their ego on a regular basis.
Upgrade your love
Any elevated emotion is hard to maintain over long periods of time, and epic love is no exception. If your relationship started out hot, hot, hot and you have that nothing-compares-to-you connection but you’re currently spending more time chilling in your sweatpants than lighting each other on fire, you can still raise the bar. There are two key strategies.
First, show your partner you’re still absolutely crazy about her. Every. Single. Day. It sounds obvious, but if you both go out of your way to demonstrate your love as often as possible, it really helps keep your connection charged up. Your romantic gestures don’t have to be big, but they do have to have a certain intensity. Roll over in bed in the morning, look her straight in the eye for a drawn-out moment, and tell her you love her, send her a text in the middle of the day letting her know that you are hands down the luckiest guy in the world, or describe exactly how you felt the first time you met her. The goal is to keep your love declarations frequent, surprising and emphatic.
Second, you have to continually up your sexual game. That means grabbing her as she walks by you and giving her a hard kiss, whispering things that make the hairs on her back stand on end, and bringing an endless stream of new moves to bed with you. Novelty releases the feel-good hormone dopamine, which in turn cranks up arousal. Open conversations about what you both like in bed and want to try next is a must. And if there’s something she’s craving, always consider it. Even if you’re not willing to grant her every wish, you can find a way to satisfy some aspect of the urge. In turn, it’s crucial for you to initiate conversations about your own fantasies and discuss how you’d love to see them play out in real life. Yes, that kind of openness takes guts and balls-to-the-wall honesty, but that’s a part of what makes epic love so, well, epic.
Have a hot week,
P.S. Since novelty is the key to upgrading sex from good to wow, you’re going to need fresh ideas, so stay close!