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One kind of sex you should never have with her

Oral Sex - Cunnilingus

One kind of sex you should never have with her

“To succeed with the opposite sex, tell her you’re impotent. She can’t wait to disprove it.” – Cary Grant

We see it all the time in the movies and on TV – couples who are ready to rip each other’s heads off one moment then are ripping each other’s clothes off the next. But is that a good thing? During a fight, anger produces an adrenaline rush that creates a response in your brain similar to sexual arousal – which explains that scene in Revolutionary Road when Leo and Kate go from bickering in the kitchen to being so hot for each other that they have to do it right then and there on the countertop.

Sex when you’re pissed off is passionate, so it’s no surprise that we’re turned on by the idea of it. Plus, angry sex has been romanticized, so everyone thinks it’s okay. But physical intimacy can sometimes exacerbate a problem. So when should you embrace it and when should you shun it? I explain.

Mad for you

There are two reasons why couples lust for each other when they’re feuding – the first is the thrill that you both get from redirecting a fight’s crazy intensity into the bedroom. It’s not uncommon for people to purposely fuel the drama in an argument out of a sense of boredom because angry sex provides exciting stimulation in the short term. The problem is, if you can’t learn to manage your feelings without having to resort to sex, the relationship isn’t going to make it.

The second is the misconception that by replacing a strained emotional connection with a strong physical one, you can mend the cracks. Sex can be healing in certain situations, but when you’re dealing with a more serious issue, that intimacy is only a temporary fix.

So what qualifies as a serious issue?

It’s any talk about breaking up, or maybe one of you feels deeply betrayed by something the other did – you shared personal details about your sex life with your friends, for example. And then there is the mother of them all: jealousy. The cardinal rule for couples who want to last is never to have sex when one of you is feeling jealous. You need to deal with the jealousy as adults, no try to make it disappear by inserting sex into the situation.

It’s also important to point out that sex means different things to men than it does to women. Men express their feelings through actions, but women really need to talk it out. Having sex indicated to you that the problem has been dealt with and that she’s okay with it, when maybe she thought you were just couching the issue temporarily.

The one exception

Minor disputes – about how she’s always late or how you constantly leave your dirty dishes in the sink – are examples of non-relationship-threatening issues when angry sex won’t do damage. What’s key is that you feel like you and her are still on the same team. When there is a forgiving spirit present, sex can recharge the relationship. Just be crystal clear about your terms: let her know you’re down with a temporary cease-fire but you are still open to discuss what happened later. Then take out your aggression by riding her like a banshee out of hell.

Have a quiet week,

Gabrielle Moore

P.S. Remember there are other ways to release your rage that are almost as good as sex: retail therapy, a massage, indulging in a very tasty, very caloric adult beverage, etc.

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