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7 things about women that terrify you

Oral Sex - Cunnilingus

7 things about women that terrify you

“Sex is the great amateur art. The professional, male or female, is frowned on: he or she misses the point, and spoils the show.” – David Cort

You’ll tackle a spider without batting an eyelid but when you’re confronted by your partner, for example, wielding an eyelash curler, you are a little bit scared. There are some things about women that not only you don’t understand, but you’re also a bit afraid of. Here, I’m shedding light on the most important (and curious!) of them.

  1. She might not be so impressed with your penis size. ‘Tiny cock’: no two words are more capable of reducing a man to a quivering, weeping wreck. You’re quite fond of your penises, you blokes. You talk about them, play with them, construct buildings shaped like them. You also like to think that your penises are… substantial. You need to believe that women are impressed by your significant other – and by impressed I mean gasping with awe at its magnificence. The thought that women might believe your penises to be anything other than the eighth wonder of the natural world is more horrifying than the prospect of being left to make small talk with her mother for more than five minutes.
  1. When she’s quiet. You know how sometimes, when you’re watching Homeland and she’s trying to talk to you about a great deal she saw online (30-per-cent-off espadrilles, can you believe it?), you end up sighing and saying, ‘That’s good, babe’, without paying much attention to her rambling? You fear that it probably makes her think you wish she’d leave you in manly silence.  But you know what’s even more frightful for a man than hearing his girlfriend carping on about 30-per-cent espadrilles? Her girlfriend not carping on about 30-per-cent espadrilles. You’ll happily sit next to your best mate in a pub for hours with rarely a monosyllabic grunt exchanged, but a quiet woman is a woman to be feared. What horrible dinner parties is she mentally committing you to? What parts of your anatomy is she questioning the size of (see above)?
  1. Two-hour phone calls with her mum. What could she possibly be talking about that she didn’t already covered during her previous two-hour conversation five days ago? Nothing’s happened since! She went to work, you bought a new sheet set, you had dinner at your best friends’ place, you went to a poker game with topless card dealers and didn’t get home until five the next mor… Oh.
  1. She knows more about you than you realize. Like Clint Eastwood’s ‘Man With No Name’, you like to think of yourselves as unknowable loners: mysterious, firm-jawed, stoic. You only open your mouths for three things: cussin’, drinkin’ and lovin’. Yep, you’re her metaphorical riddle, wrapped in a mystery, stuffed in a polo shirt. So how the hell did she know that you like mushroom sauce on your schnitzel but pepper sauce on your steak? And what is she doing calling your sister on her birthday when you can’t even remember her sister’s name? And you’re pretty sure you never told her about that time you wet your pants on a Year Three excursion. Hang on… has she been talking to your mum?
  1. She’s funnier than you? Let’s be clear: you’re the funny ones, okay? She can be smart and socially competent and thoughtful and all of that other touchy-feely stuff, but you’re the gag masters. When her friends want to come over for dinner, it’s not because of her buttered asparagus spears. It’s because of your instant recall of Family Guy quotes and clever use of sarcasm. Right? Damn right!
  1. Eyelash curlers. Get. That. Away. From. Your. Face. When a bird flu pandemic wipes out 98 per cent of the world’s population, rendering the planet a post-apocalyptic nightmare of scarce resources and cannibalism, and you’re forced to resort to inhuman, violent acts to survive, eyelash curlers will form a crucial part of your deadly arsenal, along with battery-operated hair straighteners and bikini line wax strips.
  1. She might realize she’s too good for you. The great irony of men is that even though you invariably behave like you don’t realize how good you’ve got it, deep, deep down in your souls (past the part of you that knows strippers don’t actually think you’re really great guys), you fear that you don’t deserve the women in your lives and some day they might leave you. This fact, this truly sincere fear of yours, though never expressed, makes a woman never want to leave you.

Have a great week,

Gabrielle Moore

P.S. This piece was meant to put a smile on your face, of course I know you’re not afraid of eyelash curlers! How could you be, they’re harmless, right?

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