“Somewhere between fear and sex, passion is.” – Jeanette Winterson
Everyone has bedroom hang-ups, even men! So just what is it that most bother you guys between the sheets? After polling hundreds of men (both single and in a relationship) about your biggest bedroom worry, I discovered the top answer was always the same. Here I explain how this one universal anxiety affects your skills in the sack and what you can do to fix it.
What it is
It’s official: the worry men are freaked about most has nothing to do with size or skills. Your top concern is (drum-roll, please) coming too soon. And it screws with your heads. You know how a woman, if she’s having a bad hair day, she obsesses over that one strand that just won’t budge, and she ends up losing sight of everything that’s right with her looks that day? Well, that same type of tunnel-vision thing – a concept psychologists call “narrowvisation” – is what happens to a guy when he’s having sex.
You really get fixated on the fear of finishing too early during sex. Instead of focusing on how awesome it is in bed with your partner, you zero in on the specific ‘What if I finish too soon?’ concern, which disconnects you from the moment and, ironically, makes you most likely to lose control. In other words, it’s a vicious cycle – the one thing you’re most afraid could happen. Actually, it will go down precisely because you’re anxious about it in the first place.
The key to easing your anxiety and thereby help yourself last longer is to keep your mind in the moment. If you focus on the here-and-now, you’re less likely to get sidetracked by the what-ifs. There are three simple ways to accomplish this. The first one lays in the hands of your partner… literally. She should try gently massaging your back, shoulders and head during sex. Sensual, kneading touches send a calming signal to your brain that things are OK, so you’re less likely to worry about what could happen.
Next, every once in a while be sure to make eye contact with your partner and hold her gaze for just a few seconds. It’s one of the biggest signs of intimacy. It reminds you that the two of you have a strong connection and that you’re both in this thing together, right now – which helps keep you in the present. Finally, tell her exactly how amazing her moves make you feel by saying things like, ‘When you touch me down there like that, it really turns me on.” If you draw your attention to physical sensations, it will remind you to keep focusing on your actions, rather than your thoughts.
What else you fear
- Drinking too much and not being able to get it up. This is actually a thing you’re right to be afraid of. In a bigger amount than necessary, alcohol can move from being a libido booster and confidence giver, to a mood buster and erection disabler. Too many shots of tequila are bound to send your penis to bed, but to sleep, not to fool around.
- Spending too much time without having sex and worrying about rusty skills. No, a sex hiatus won’t catapult you back in those uneasy high-school years, when you had no idea what a clitoris is, let alone master the ability to find it in a matter of seconds. Even though months pass without you getting it on, the next time you do get the chance, your penis will know exactly what to do.
- Getting naked and not living up to expectations. This is a common fear for both men and women, and it’s without fundament as well. Do you start looking at her body, analyzing her flaws, when she gets naked for sex? No, of course not, you just want to get down to business. The same applies to women. She’s not going to rate how your body looks, but your ability to make her moan.
- Not being able to make your partner orgasm. Well, as long as you’re here, reading my column, I reckon you’ve got nothing to be afraid of when it comes to satisfying your woman.
Have a hot week,
P.S. As you can see, it’s only in your head. No, the other head!