If there is one thing that can sabotage all your well-intended efforts to last longer, perform better, and reach orgasm with your partner, it is unchecked masturbation and pornography use.
Don’t get me wrong! I’m not morally opposed to either. I think that both masturbation and adult entertainment can be empowering and used to improve sex and intimacy. That said, all things in moderation, right? If you can only orgasm by masturbating, that is an area of your sexuality that might warrant some attention. If you find it difficult to maintain an erection with the visual or auditory stimulation of pornography, there are ways you can learn to become more sexually tuned in to your lover, using self-pleasure as a tool rather than an escape.
Death Grip
The “death grip” – a term often used by sex columnist Dan Savage – refers to the incredibly tight fist that men sometimes use while masturbating. When this grip is used, especially if it is used more often than vaginal penetration as a means to reach orgasm, it can lead to desensitization of the glans and make it difficult to reach orgasm with a partner or even to maintain an erection, especially with the use of a condom barrier.
The cure for death-grip related sexual syndromes is simple: stop it.
- Loosen your grip.
- Use a lot of lubrication.
- Wear a condom.
- If you can’t climax without using a strong grip… don’t.
Eventually, even if only out of utter desperation, your body will begin to sensitize to other touch input. That might mean oral sex, vaginal penetration, or anal sex. It might just be mutual masturbation where you have some new visual input. Whatever the case may be, if you feel the need to re-sensitize, the only way to effectively do so is with determination and self-discipline.
If your lover is accustomed to using manual stimulation to get you off as well, be sure to let her know what you are doing and that you are trying to relearn how to feel. She may feel strange or stressed at first about leaving you “unfinished” so assure her that you are okay, and spend some time focusing on her instead, if you aren’t able to reach climax with her. Remind her that this is merely your body’s adaptive response to a particular habit. All you need to do to change the response is change the habit, easy as that! Take your time with it and allow yourself to enjoy the relief of pressure to always head barreling straight towards orgasm.
Pornography
For many men, death grip and pornography go hand in hand. In this way, the brain not only learns to respond only to an extreme amount of physical stimulation, it also learns to respond specifically to an extreme type of visual/auditory stimulation. Pornography does not represent the reality of 99.99% of day-to-day sexual contact, any more than reality TV actually reflects reality. These “entertainment products” have been scripted, set, organized and edited just to turn you on! If you teach your body that this is the be all and end all of sex, it is sure to be confused when it encounters the real thing again.
But porn isn’t evil, anymore than television, movies and good books are bad for you. Quality entertainment should inspire us to dream, to consider new ideas and seek out new opportunities. Can you use pornography to spark your sex life instead of stifle it?
Porn and Erotic Embodiment
Porn can help your relationship, if you use it to connect you to your lover, rather than to escape from her. Instead of hiding from real life in fantasy, enrich your reality with the intensity of your dreams!
- Think of your “search” for pornography as a leisurely drive: don’t always go the same route. Be conscious of the process you use, but don’t judge yourself. Observe the way your fantasy develops, from the very first inkling of an urge all the way to orgasm (if you get there) and keep some record of it in a notebook or video journal.
- Think about your self-pleasure as time to improve your relationship: when you feel your sexiest, most full of pleasure, ready to pop… close your eyes and think if your lover when she is at the very same moment, in the throes of ecstasy, bursting with love for you. Send that love back to her in your fantasy. It will show in your relationship!
- Meditate on your pornographic preferences and process when you aren’t aroused (and don’t head for the porn when you are done meditating either) – give yourself at least a few hours, if not a few days, to take a break and reflect after each session. Think about what kinds of urges and lusts draw you to each aspect of the fantasy’s flow from start to finish. Try to get to the root of your kinks and the heart of your deepest desires. Share these insights with your lover!
Kisses,
Gabrielle Moore
P.S. To find out more about simple secrets that instantly make you last longer in bed, you can check out my program Last Longer Tonight. Whether you last 30 seconds, 2 minutes, or 20, this program will show you practical techniques on how to have more control over when you come.
