“It’s been a long day. I need one of those hugs that turn into sex.”
Early on in a relationship, you and your partner spend so much time in bed, there’s little point in even making it. You had passion, you had electricity, and you had sex – lots of it! Then as the months and years go by, the sex tends to fall off some and it becomes a challenge to even remember the last time you were naked together – a perfectly normal side effect of the decreased hormones that are often the result of increased closeness. Virtually all relationships go through some sort of tapering-off period, typically after 6 months to a year.
But that doesn’t mean it should nosedive until you have hardly any sex… ever. Some couples chalk up a significant decline in bedroom action to their long-term status, but that’s a big mistake. Most women have pretty decent libidos, just as men, so if there’s a lack of sex drive, it’s a clear symptom that something is going on either in her life or in your relationship.
I’ve compiled the five most common sex-drive busters and arranged them in order from the manageable to the totally dire. Start with the first, and eliminate them one by one until you figure out what’s going on. Then follow the advice for how to deal.
She’s stressed out
Feeling overwhelmed, tired, or stressed will lower a woman’s sex drive. So if she has taken on extra work at her job or has family drama swirling around her, her brain may be too fried to even thing about sex.
What to do: Don’t reveal that you’ve noticed her stress level negatively affects your sex life; if she has to think about your being unsatisfied on top of everything else, she’ll just get more anxious. Be understanding, give her a neck rub, or play some calming music when she gets home. Feeling more relaxed will allow her to think about getting it on again. Also, try and get to bed at a decent hour regularly. The biggest sex hurdle? Exhaustion! When she’s always running on too little sleep, or she doesn’t head to bed until she’s ready to drop, she’s hardly going to make love.
She’s pissed off at you
Contrary to popular belief, women don’t always rant and rave when they’re angry. Sometimes they retaliate by quietly pulling away – which can mean withholding sex. Anger is corrosive to intimacy.
What to do: Obviously, if you had a blowout before the deep freeze set in, you’ll know what’s going on. But sometimes you anger your woman without even knowing it. For instance, did you let her wait for you at the bar while you chatted with a hot friend of yours? When you make her feel bad in little ways, you need to repair the damage by stroking her ego. Flirt with her, compliment her, let her know that you need her in your life. There are few things that turn a woman on – or thaw her grumpy mood – as much as knowing that she’s desired.
She’s worried about her sexual skills
If your partner has had some trouble getting comfortable between the sheets or if she’s aware that you haven’t been completely satisfied with her overall performance during your last several sessions, her self-esteem could be suffering big time. Sex is what makes a woman feel desired, so if she’s having difficulty keeping up with your enthusiasm or thinks that you aren’t enjoying yourself, she will feel like less of a woman and may stop even trying for fear of more failure.
What to do: You’ll know she’s having performance anxiety if she’s acting normal everywhere but in the bedroom. Don’t tell her you’ve noticed she’s not the same in bed. Instead, casually mention something she does to you sexually that you’ve been craving. Being reassured that she satisfies you will boost both her ego and her libido.
P.S. “Sorry, honey – my head is killing me”. Unless your partner suffers from debilitating migraines, it’s probably what it sounds like: a clichéd opt out. For more tips of the trade on how to arouse a dormant libido and enjoy passionate sex again, click this link.