“I thank God I was raised Catholic, so sex will always be dirty.” – John Waters
Sometimes, taking the next step (sexually speaking) can be as awkward as tucking your shirt in your underwear. Actually, on a scale of one to no-you-didn’t, going next-level with someone new (that is, deciding to have sex), can turn out to be just as uncomfortable and totally wrong as accepting to go out with a woman you’re grandmother fixed you up with. Whether it’s the long-awaited first sleepover with a shiny new woman or just an overnight romance with that hottie bartender, there are some things men sometimes do during that first trip up Carnal Mountain that, well, make it unlikely a woman will go back for an encore climb. So read on: tell your friends, tell your brothers and cousins, tell anyone who will listen – the following exploits need to be erased, deleted and completely forgotten from your hot-macho repertoire.
Many young players fall prey to The Pancake. In this first-time scenario, everything is going swimmingly when suddenly you start flipping her like a sizzling pancake awaiting delivery of maple syrup. If you’re a pancake man, you’re likely to flip her several times in the course of a single session – leaving her limbos akimbo, face pressed into mattress, and she wandering if she should have stayed home and cleaned the oven instead. And she hadn’t clean that damn oven in over six months, so you can imagine. You clearly think this is the best display of your sexual prowess, but while I’m all for mixing it up, The Pancake used too early on can make the pancake-ee (read, the poor woman’s vagina) feel like an anonymous orifice. First times are not for trying to recreate a porn movie.
This little nugget happens just as things are getting hotter than Jessica Biel sitting in the sun eating an ice cream, in a nurse’s uniform. She’s all primed and ready to go when you say, “So… what do you want me to do?” You hope she’d just smile and tell you this: “Um, to be honest, buddy, I’d really like you to just go at it hell for leather.” If it’s not working and this is not the answer you get, in fact, you don’t get an answer at all, but a whole load of awkward silence, don’t say you weren’t warned. You could at least give it a burl first, before popping this uncomfortable query. This question is best saved for when you know each other’s range inside out, so she can answer with, “I want you to do that thing with my ears, then that thing with your tongue, then back to the ear thing.” Asking someone who you barely know what butters their toast is like a woman showing her boyfriend her wedding dress before he’s proposed – premature and decidedly awkward.
We know a panda eats shoots and leaves, but in the case of this particular Panda, it’s a case of eats, shoots and leaves. (Grammar, is there anything it can’t do?) She quite happily welcomed your cargo into her safe deposit box and had a grand ol’ time doing it – but then, instead of hanging around for a snuggle and a kip, you get up and make an early exit. Pulling the Panda after a first-time foray, well, that’s ruder than a naked photo of the Queen on horseback. The basic rules of human conduct stand even when you’re lying down – so let’s all just try to treat each other with a little tenderness. Worst-case scenario we’ll all of us be better lovers for it. Best-case scenario we’ll all be better lovers, sons, daughters, parents and people. And that’s what I call true next-level pleasure.
Have a tender week,
P.S. When it comes to first-times, always stick to the basics and change the pace according to the responses you get. You don’t know the person you’re getting hot and heavy with and you don’t want her to get out of there sooner than the foam off a cappuccino.