“Fuck me badly once, shame on you. Fuck me badly twice, shame on me.” – Sex & The City
We all have sexual demons. While your head may not be spinning 360 degrees (not sexy!), you might be possessed by other annoying anxieties that are holding you back. Now’s the time to banish the devils from your bed and reclaim the glory of hang-up-free, hallelujah-hot sex.
Orgasm face anxiety
Tragic but true. At the moment of utmost ecstasy, some men and women worry that they look like gnarling hyenas… or a mouth-agape Taylor Swift at an award show. A friend of mine used to bite her lips when she orgasmed, but then he was told by one of her former boyfriends that it looked like she was faking it and being overly dramatic. Now she’s deeply self-conscious about it and can’t fully enjoy her orgasm for fear of how her face looks.
There’s an actual scientific term for freaking out about your orgasm face, and it’s not, “Dude, you’re crazy!” Spectatoring is when you’re judging your own pleasure without fully experiencing it. Don’t let your face block your penis’ happiness. Try looking into your partner’s eyes (or kissing on her earlobe and neck) to focus more on connecting with her and less on what your face looks like. Side note: Never judge a woman’s orgasm face. Just be happy it’s happening.
Frozen vocal cords
She’s grabbing your balls like they’re made of steel and grinding on your penis like a Maltipoo in heat. At this point, you’d love to nudge her in the right direction and tell her that her moves aren’t that arousing as she might think, but your vocal chords are paralyzed. “I’m scared to ask her to do something because I’m afraid she’ll think it’s weird or she’ll become upset and want to end the whole thing”, says Michael or his sexual silence.
Talking about sex when you’re about to do the dirty puts too much pressure on everybody. Next time you’re having a conversation in the car or on the couch, let her know a couple of things she does that you like before suggesting you’d love more (penis action/oral/what have you). Most women appreciate a little sexy direction.
You love your hand. Her motor’s so powerful, it could rev up a Tesla, and she always gets you off. But things take a turn if you’re more into your hand than sex with a real, live person. It takes just enough time to ejaculate while masturbating, but I either go too fast or take too long when I’m with my partner”, says Kyle.
Your magic hand can’t yank off your underwear and flip you into girl-on-top like a human lover can. So try making yourself come in the presence of your partner. Once she sees what motions turn you on, she’ll be more than happy to apply what she’s learned. Also, if you think that what you’re lacking is more friction, try a vibrating penis ring during sex with your partner. A woman wants to see you come. Include her!
Getting oral from a woman who knows what she’s doing is like eating salted-caramel gelato while watching your favorite soccer team play. But sadly some men are too ashamed of their manly parts to enjoy it. Karl won’t allow women to go down on him after an ex told him, mid-oral, that his penis is “sooo bent”. Now he thinks he looks weird, so he won’t let girls do it.
In porn, the huge, straight, veiny penis is all the rage. But there are no perfect penises – they come in a plethora of shapes, colors and sizes. Still, many penis-shame sufferers are disconnected from their own penises. I suggest a penis exam. Grab a mirror and bond with your magic wand. Touch yourself using different sensations – fingers, vibes, feathers! You’re built for pleasure. The more you experience it, the more you can share it with your partner.
Have a sexy week,
P.S. If you think your partner might suffer from some of the demons mentioned here, have her read the piece also. You’ll both benefit from it!