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5 moves you think she wants in bed – but she really doesn’t

Fingering Techniques

5 moves you think she wants in bed – but she really doesn’t

“I haven’t trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I’ve never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.” – Erma Bombeck

There’s so much advice out there about how to please your partner. But guess what? You don’t have to try nearly as hard as you think to turn a woman on. Everywhere you look, there’s a new list of tips on how to ‘Drive her wild’. The message they send? ‘Hey, boys, if you’d only try harder, she’ll like you more.’ But actually, most women I know are pretty simple and straightforward in their bedroom expectations. Are you a guy? Okay, good. You’re 99% of the way there. All that crazy advice is, well, crazy to a lot of women. Like these doozies.

  1. Join her in her pre-work morning shower

A woman’s gut reaction: Oh, you mean the only 10 minutes of alone time I get all day?

Why it’s not that sexy: Sex in the shower can be a divisive issue. Taking it to her pre-work morning shower ups the ante. This might be the only time all day a woman isn’t dying for sex. As my friend D (yes, she goes by D) says, ‘There’s nothing like getting ready for work with a round of awkward shower sex. Unless you have a sit in there, shower sex is never as fun as it sounds. Who gets to stand under the water? And she can’t like it when you go down on her and there’s hot water blasting her in the face.’ Sure makes the climax kind of anticlimactic.

  1. Strongly hint that you’re in the mood, then play hard to get and make her work at seducing you.

A woman’s gut reaction: Just what a girl wants when she gets home from work: more work.

Why it’s not that sexy: The chase is a game for those who’ve just met. When you’re in a new relationship, you’re so excited, you’ll try anything. I once spent three weeks eating at vegan restaurants just because a guy was cute (and vegan). Of course, I’d grab a cheeseburger afterward. But still, that’s working for it. One of the great perks of a long-term relationship is sure-thing sex. As my buddy Jenna puts it, ‘If you’ve been in the relationship for a while, this tip amounts to cruel and unusual punishment.’ We worked hard to catch you in the first place, so let’s just enjoy the fruits of our labor.

  1. Make love in front of a mirror so you can see every erotic angle of each other’s bodies.

A woman’s gut reaction: It’s the non-erotic angles we’re afraid of.

Why it’s not that sexy: Maybe a woman in amazing shape wouldn’t dread this tip quite as much as most do. But even my athletic friend Brad, says, ‘I’m not crazy about it. It seems distracting.’ When you’re scrutinizing every bit of action unfolding in the mirror, you’ll likely see some seriously unsexy angles. Unless you’ve both discussed and agreed to it or it’s 1977 and a mirror is hanging on the ceiling above your waterbed, forget the whole reflection thing. It’s too hard to get lost in the moment when you’re watching what you’re butt looks like in every position.

  1. Wear a shirt with a million little buttons and sloooly undo them while she watches. 

A woman’s gut reaction: Is it cool if I watch Grey’s Anatomy till you finish?

Why it’s not that sexy: This sounds more goofy than sexy. Sure, most girls enjoy the surprise of a striptease of some sort from their man, but there’s a reason strippers don’t wear shirts like that. Namely, there are a few things less hot than unbuttoning a million buttons. Girls like it when you take off your clothes, but it’s better if it doesn’t take half an inning to get to the main event.

  1. Stick a silk scarf in her bag with a note that reads, “You’re going to need this later tonight.”

A woman’s gut reaction: Why, is it going to be cold out?

Why it’s not that sexy: Unless she’s (1) Stevie Nicks or (2) dating Steven Tyler, silk scarves have no place at sexy-time. The same goes for most supposedly sex props: red light bulbs, geisha costumes. It’s not the prop that counts; it’s you, up for fun, that’s the real exciting part. Most of women don’t know what make of silk scarves and all that stuff, and the last thing you want in bed is for her to be confused.

So here’s the thing. Women, like men, don’t require fancy moves or costumes to get turned on. We’re simple creatures with simple needs, just like you. We like gestures that show us you care, and we like it when you shows our presence is enough to make sure sex is great.

Have a sexy week,

Gabrielle Moore

P.S. Also, buying her a super-pricey, super-vampy lingerie number is not on her hot and heavy to do list. It makes her think you want her to be another person altogether or that her body is not hot enough.

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