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The secrets to super passionate sex

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The secrets to super passionate sex

“Sex is the best thing. It’s better than any drug. I want to die making love because it feels so good” – Bai Ling

Ah, the holy grail of getting it on: it’s that richer, more connected sex that makes you smile every time you think about it – but stops short of being romance-novel cheesy. And yes, it exists. Here’s how to find the sweet spot.

Ten bucks says you saw the title of this article and thought, “Great – a story about lighting candles, making a sappy playlist, and having the schmoopiest, most cloyingly sweet sex ever, like in those Hollywood movies about Valentine’s Day romance. Pass!” But hold up. If you think romantic sex is unbearably cheesy, you probably have the wrong impression – and you could be denying yourself some super-hot nights. Romantic sex doesn’t have to involve rose petals or frilly lingerie – it’s simply about having an emotional connection with your partner, and it doesn’t have to be sappy. The sweeter news: connected sex actually makes the experience more intense for both of you… and therefore much, much hotter. Do I have your attention yet?

How you lost that loving feeling

There are a few reasons that you may not be having as much passionate sex as you deserve. The first? The rise of mainstream porn. It’s become the model of what people think sex is supposed to be. That would be fine, of course, if porn depicted loving couples having perfectly egalitarian sex in which both parties are equally concerned with pleasing the other. The majority of porn depicts women as being more concerned with pleasing the men than pleasing themselves. As a result, many women start to buy into the hype. Women become convinced that they should emulate porn stars, so they try to do all these wild, man-pleasing moves rather than paying attention to their own satisfaction and taking the time to find out what they like too. Not good. Of course, a little pretzel play now and then can be fun, but most women don’t really get off on the acrobatics. Having wild monkey sex essentially turns the act into theater, which hinders your chance to truly connect.

Porn isn’t the only reason couples these days aren’t super passion-heavy in bed – complacency can also be a factor. Couples get so comfortable that they take their sex life for granted and stop putting in the effort to romance each other. The result? You end up having boring, going-through-the-motions sex, rather than using sex as a way to connect. And finally, some women are simply afraid to ask their partners for more romantic sex, for fear they might pass out as needy, cheesy or high-maintenance.

Why you need to get it back

Whatever the reason you’re not having enough romantic romps, the overall conclusion is this: that’s got to change… and not just for your partner’s benefit. Experts insist that it’s a huge myth that guys only want porn sex. Even though guys may not come right out and say it, they crave slower, more passionate sex, because it makes them feel more connected to their partners and they want that closeness. The guys I talked to agreed. “Wild sex is great, but feeling connected on a deep, emotional level is better”, says Jonathan. “It feels more real, and when I care about a girl, I want to treat her affectionately to show her that I like her and feel that she likes me back.” So that guys-only-like-porn-sex falsehood? Officially busted.

Another reason you should add some more emotional sex to your bedroom rotation? It’s a biological urge – people crave passion, and when you pretend you don’t, you shut down a large piece of yourself. Devaluing romantic sex allows you to justify being in a relationship with someone who’s not being loving toward you, and that’s never right. Translation: you’re not being treated in the adoring way that you deserve to be.

How to do it without feeling lame

Don’t worry. Having romantic sex doesn’t entail scattering rose petals all over your sheets before you do it (although, hey, it that does it for you, go all out). In fact, experts say waiting to bring on the romance until you get to bed is actually what can make things seem cheesy. If you try to instigate passion with props, it’s going to feel contrived – you can’t just turn it on like that. Rather, truly sensual sexy-time happens organically, as a result of feeling connected to each other – so focus on your bond outside the bedroom first. Simple things can do the trick: have breakfast together, call each other on your lunch break just to say hi, and send her a “can’t wait to see you tonight” text in the afternoon. Building up your connection throughout the day means you’ll feel closer when you’re in bed later on. Talking to each other about sex is another great way to feel closer. But keep it light and fun – reminisce about hot moments you’ve shared and how turned on she made you feel. Reminding each other of how good you are together will make you both crave more of that closeness.

Then once you’re in the bedroom, focus on each other. Many couples succumb to the “let’s do the damn thing, so I can check my Instagram” mentality. Bad idea. You have to be present, and you can start by slowly taking off each other’s clothes, not just your own. It’s a hot way to get in the moment – feeling the fabric slide down your skin heightens your senses and makes you anticipate what’s to come. Also, don’t just kiss – kiss like you mean it, and do it often. Again, this may sound “duh”, but the truth is, smooching is often the first thing to go when couples get into a sexual rut – and it shouldn’t be. It makes the entire experience more sensual. Last, don’t forget to go heavy on the eye contact – it’s a non-negotiable for sex you’ll want to play back in your head.

Have a sensual week,

Gabrielle Moore

P.S. Inspired yet? Good – now go put what you’ve learned into super-sexy, super-passionate action!

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