“Nothing is either all masculine or all feminine except having sex.” – Marlo Thomas
I was sick recently – like, gross, don’t-touch-me, don’t-come-near-me, sick. My partner, bless his cotton socks, nursed me from a distance. He brought me tea and medicine but didn’t actually touch me for five days straight. Needless to say there was no rumpy-pumpy for the duration. Doing the squelchy was simply out of the question.
After a couple of days in bed by myself, I felt really despondent. It was this strange sadness I couldn’t explain… till I realized I hadn’t had physical contact with another human – not even my favorite human.
I waddled in to my partner and squeaked, “I feel weird, honey! You haven’t touched me in days and I feel like you don’t love me anymore!” He looked me up and down (I was a real saucy wench in that moment, with sickly green skin, dark bags under my eyes, and my baggiest pajamas on). And he said simply, “That’s how I feel when we don’t have sex.” That. Rocked. My. Universe. “So you need to have sexy times to know that I love you?” I asked. “But it’s the opposite for me. Before we have sex, I have to feel loved by you. Oh, this is huge! We uncovered something important here, babe.”
Real sexpertise
That revelation changed everything. I have read in numerous books that couples in long term relationships have sex less frequently that when they first got together. And I know for a fact guys generally want sex more, which could really affect a relationship. But when I realized that our entire motives for love and sex could be that different, I felt really enlightened.
And so this phrase was born – men need to have sex to feel loved, women need to feel loved to have sex. Use it as you wish (and you’re welcome). Of course it’s not a revolutionary thought. Other sexologists have considered this evidence as well. After rummaging through a couple of books I found that backing this theory with evidence is simpler than I would have imagined. There are many reasons why women want love before sex and men want sex before love. For a start, you guys tend to see sex as more of a necessity and women see it as a nice bonus extra. Women want to talk and connect first – but for men sex is the main way to connect. It’s the language you guys use to express how you feel, and it’s also how you like to receive love from your partner.
Hormones have a lot to answer for as well. Women get a huge rush of oxytocin, which is known as the “cuddle hormone”, from sex, so they go looking for anything that bonds them with their partner. On the other hand, men produce 20 times as much testosterone as women do, which gives you constant pressure to have a sexual release. Sex offers you exactly that release, and you experience a rush of dopamine (AKA the “pleasure hormone”), which makes you feel relaxed and ready to love.
Done in 10 minutes
So are we doomed to always confuse one another in the sack; women waiting for love and men waiting for sex? Not if you can speak up about it. One of the most frequent sexual concerns of couples in long term relationships is mismatched desire. It will cause tension, unless you talk about it. If you’ve been with your partner for a while you should be able to chat openly, and work out a balance that suits you both. Too intimidating? Here’s another interesting and helpful idea: have sex every single day. Me and my long time love take 10 minutes every day to get it on, and I reckon it’s the best way to ace that love-sex balance. You should also know that it isn’t hard for couples to have sex every day. It isn’t hard for couples to have good and great sex every day either. If you train it, it will come, they say. And this ensures that both you and your partner are happy and pleased with yourselves.
With the help of the magic sentence I mentioned earlier and the commitment for daily practice, you could have a real shot at solving the love-sex problem. Also, bear in mind that if your partner knows that you feel most loved directly after sex, she will most definitely want to be more, er, demonstrative with her love. As long as you also commit to making her feel loved before you can make love.
I would stay to talk about this longer, but I have something urgent to attend to. It should take about 10 minutes.
Have a great week,
Gabrielle Moore
P.S. Try my technique for one month and monitor the results. You’ll see how fail-proof it actually really is. I recommend you check out my program Flesh on Flesh. Discover how to rub and caress your woman’s body in every way to get her swooning, soaking, and orgasming with delight!
