You might think that it would be easy to convince someone to lay down and allow you to rub their naked body with warm, soothing or stimulating oils. Of course, this isn’t always the case, is it? You know as well as I do that some days the last thing we want to do is have to worry about getting oil stains on the sheets, keeping the kids out of the room, cleaning the pet hair that clings to everything before getting started, or just turning off the TV for that matter.
So what is a sex-starved couple to do?
Pop Your Personal Bubble
Want to encourage more touch in your relationship? Do it! Let your physical boundaries soften and get “touchy feely” with your lover. What kind of thoughts does that phrase conjure for you? It is often used by those uncomfortable with the idea of touch to disparage the physical closeness and emotional openess often displayed by those in the early stages of love. How do you feel about touch?
For many men, especially those discouraged from affectionate touch, the line between sexual touch and affectionate touch becomes blurred. They see every opportunity or invitation for touch with their lover as a sexual advance an attempt to influence the encounter accordingly. But all humans require affectionate touch. Touch free of sexual expectations is a necessary aspect of an intimate relationship and indeed every life. If you are missing out on this pure affectionate touch, sexual touch may in fact be not only undesirable but outright unpleasant!
Get out of your personal bubble and allow yourself to use casual touch in your day-to-day interactions with your wife. You might find that when you allow yourself to brush her hair, touch her chin, hold her hand, stroke her arm, grab her waist, or rub her legs and feet, that your need for touch isn’t entirely sexual either. We all crave these kinds of affirmations and connections with each other.
People who have regular, loving, affectionate touch live longer and happier lives… just like people who have more regular sex! Coincidence?
Get Your Rub On
Ifyou want more hands-on time with your lover, don’t make such a big deal of the “erotic” part of erotic massage. When you pass by her hunched over the table hard at work on something, give her shoulders and gently squeeze, and if she responds well you can continue for a minute or three with a gentle shoulder massage. When you are sitting next to each other on the couch after dinner, offer to rub her tired feet. Use a touch of coconut oil for lotion if she wants it, but don’t make it messy if that’ll spoil the mood. The point here is to get here interested in touch without introducing the complications of sex, mess, or privacy from the kids and the cats.
You can suggest a deeper and more relaxing massage at just the right moments to help encourage the more erotic elements, but don’t overdo it. Offer to rub her back when you’re in bed at night, but don’t worry to much about breaking out the oils just yet. If you have been rubbing her feet, rub her legs too. Do whatever you can to begin to show her that you want to help her relax in a low-pressure environment. As questions, get feedback. Find out what parts of her body are feeling tense and tight, so you can focus on that specific area. Make sure you aren’t massaging to deep or hard, or too lightly either.
If you’re ditching the scented candles, massage oils and gentle music for now, see what you can do to get creative in implementing other sensual elements! Put on a bit of nice cologne or aphrodisiac oil on your own body beforehand to help spice up the scents, but don’t use too much. Be subtle! Whisper sweet nothings into her ear as you rub her down. Talk about what you are grateful for and use the opportunity as a door to mindfulness. Talk about your day and ask her about hers… just don’t let the silence become the loudest thing in the room, and don’t start talking about sex.
Let her set the pace. If you have been giving her massages and she has yet to make a move to reciprocate, see if you can entice her to rub your temples when you have a headache or your feet after a long day. Be sure you are clean first! If you create a regular routine of sharing this kind of affectionate touch, you give her just as much opportunity to initiate the erotic elements as you. See where it leads you!